CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, coming at you live from the 20Ω6 R’lyeh Olympics.
TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and it’s my honor to be providing color commentary for the Women’s 100-Meter Wizard Fencing.
CARL: We’re being broadcast tape-delayed by an hour in the continental USA, so everyone with an internet connection already knows how the match turns out.
TOM: That’s right, Carl. And let’s not forget that events are being held simultaneously, which means we’re only commenting on the ones the network thinks that people want to see. We won’t be saying a word about Demon Curling.
CARL: Not a peep. So it looks like Ignatia Verçescu of Transylvania is up in the first match. She’s an up-and-comer for the Transylvania team, and silvered at Stonehenge in the last Olympics. Looks like she’s warming up a Danube Disarming Dance.
TOM: That’s right, Carl. But Verçescu is up against a veteran with three golds: Attilia Aechylus of Atlantis. She took gold in ’88 at Tunguska, in ’92 at Lemuria, and again in ’96 at El Dorado. She was out for a few years due to the breakup of Atlantis and the civil war there, but now she’s back and hungry. See the Petrifying Petroglyph she’s warming up?
CARL: And there they go! A nasty hit by Verçescu on Aechylus. Looks like the Petrifying Petroglyph has fully fizzled and the Atlantean is vulnerable!
TOM: That’s right, Carl. Could this be the end of Aechylus’s run for another gold?
CARL: Don’t count her out, Tom! Looks like she’s got a little Protean Metamorphism up her sleeve. Verçescu could be letting her youth lead her into overconfidence.
TOM: That’s right, Carl, though at 21 she is a wizened old hag by Olympic standards. Aechylus, at 33, might as well be an Olympic lich.
CARL: Wouldn’t that mean she won her first gold at the age of five?
TOM: That’s right, Carl. Oh, and it looks like Aechylus got that Protean Metamorphism off!
CARL: Yes, it looks like Verçescu has been trasnmogrified into a squirrel and Transylvania is out of the running!
TOM: That’s right, Carl. Atlantis advances to the next round, where Aechylus will face off against R’lyeh’s native daughter Aesnath Phraim, a husk inhabited by the ageless spirit of a 1000-year-old ancestor. Stay tuned.