TED: Gooood evening ladies and germs! I’m your host, Shadrach “Ted” Turnblatt, and it’s time once again for…

AUDIENCE: TOAST! THAT! BREAD!

TED: That’s right! Omnidyne Consumer Products Toaster Division is proud to sponsor Toast That Bread, a high-stakes game of knowledge, heat, and luck where knowing your toaster inside and out is the yeast you can do! Say hello to today’s first contestant.

KAREN: My name’s Karen Gumplich, and I’m an administrative assistant in accounts receivable at Omnidyne Consumer Products, Nut and Bolt Division!

TED: Ah, the good folks at N&B are always so good to us, such unsung heroes. Okay, Karen, let’s see what we have today! Hit us with the details, Kevin!

KEVIN: Thank you Ted! Today we have an Omnidyne Type 92 Toaster, an improved version of the Type 87 designed for both home and light industrial use! And we’ll be using it to toast a five-gauge slice of Omnidyne Farms artisan pumpernickel, made by hand by robots in glorious, sustainable Facility 42!

TED: All right, Karen, you heard Kevin and you can see our toaster and bread before you. We’re looking for a Level 3 toast today, golden brown and firm but not stiff and not burnt. Tell us your settings, and the lovely Contessa will execute them.

KAREN: Thank you Ted! It’s so great to be here! Hi Barbara! Hi Mom! God bless!

TED: Okay, Karen, I know you’re excited, but we need those toast settings.

KAREN: I’m going to go with a single-slot toast, level 5 heat, for 25 seconds, Ted.

TED: Contessa? Oooh, I see that the slice is too large to fit top side up! She’s going to have to put it in sideways.

AUDIENCE: Oooooh!

KAREN: Is it too late to cut it in half?

TED: I’m afraid it is, Karen! Your choice is locked in.

CONTESSA: After a 25-second single slot toast, uncut and sideways on level 5, the pumpernickel is brown at the left but still soft on the right for an uneven and unpleasant overall effect, Ted!

KAREN: Can I put it back in the other way?

TED: I’m afraid that’s not possible, Karen. And it wouldn’t help anyway, since it would mean the center would be far more toasted than the edges as well. Judges?

KEVIN: The judges award Karen’s toast a 1.2 out of 5 overall, Ted!

TED: Ooh, I’m sorry, Karen! Don’t despair, though, since you might still win if someone burns their toast or is disqualified. Stay tuned, everyone! We’ll be back after these messages from Omnidyne Consumer Products, Toy Division, with more…

AUDIENCE: TOAST! THAT! BREAD!

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!