Welcome to the wonderful world of Umayyism. While you may think that it is a new thing, our faith is actually the culmination of millennia of revelations! Why, our “cult” is actually far older than the faiths that fear our message of peace and empowerment and poverty so much!
Oh, me? I’m Tad Holiday. You might remember me from my starring role in the TV series The Peacock Gang or one of my movies like The Crimson Child. But I’m here today on behalf of Umayyism as one of its spokespeople, a first among equals, a friendly face to guide you toward a consciousness of faith.
You may have heard about other religions making similar claims to ours. The National Group for the Conscientiousness of Krishna. The Reunification Church of High Priest Comet Park Star. The Saucerists. But Umayyism is quite different from all of them!
Why? Because unlike those charlatans who promise divine revelations in exchange for all your worldly goods, the Prophet of Umayyism asks for only 50%. Unlike those charlatans who make you change your name and move to their compound, the Prophet of Umayyism asks only that you change your middle name to “al-Umayyia” and stay at our compound 52 days out of the year–about a day a week, if you think about it!–during our annual Prophet’s Retreat.
Listen, friends! The Prophet is speaking to you! The question is not what his teachings are–you will find out once your check clears! The question is whether you are willing and able to accept the wisdom of a million millennia. Are you?
Inspired by the song ‘Krishna’ by Hiroki Kikuta, released under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license.