Did you hear that they are moving the factory that makes unbreakable kitchenware to the island of Barbados?

It’s the Pyrex of the Caribbean.

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I shepherd the souls of dead trees that have been bound into phylacteries that contain the knowledge of the ancients. Increasingly, we deal with demands to destroy these artifacts and allow the information to ascend and live amidst the cloud.

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Born Walter Kitcschmann, an accident in a tacky sweater factory led to him fighting for truth and justice as KITSCHMAN!

Battling his eternal nemesis TASTEFUL LAD, KITSCHMAN fights for kitsch, camp, and the Chelsea way!

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Words are important. Lest we forget, the Alchemist-Mage wars, which lasted 30 years and claimed untold lives, started after a misunderstanding.

A blustering mage claimed that his business success would leave his alchemist rivals absolutely petrified, and they took it as a literal threat that they’d be turned to stone. So they struck first with the magebomb, and the rest is history.

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Fluffers ejected through the emergency chute in his cybernetic human-suit. “What do you mean?” he said.

Laughing from the sparking breach in the ruined chest of his own suit, Snugglepuff continued. “We use these suits to move undetected among the humans,” he coughed. “But we’ve been blind this whole time.”

Fluffers’ suit crashed down behind him, and he scuttled up the battle damage on Snugglepuff’s failing suit. “Blind to what?” he shouted. “Tell me, you worthless old fuzzbucket!”

“There are no humans left,” laughed Snugglepuff. “Only hamsters in human suits lying to each other.”

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Speaking to reporters from the Blight House, President Brayne issued the following statement:

“We will not condone such disgusting attacks, and indeed condemn them in the strongest possible terms. Zombies are widely known as undead of peace, and the actions of a few brain-hungry fanatics must not taint that. We must not allow zombies to be tainted by Brainist extremism.”

In a gesture of solidarity, Vice President Sarah Bellum visited the aftermath of the attack, shaking hands with survivors and pledging the use of zombie funds to rebuild the Johns Hopkins Brain Science institute “better and juicier than ever.”

At press time, the Blight House press secretary identified the attackers as M. Dulla O’Blongata and C. Ree Brum, also known by their Brainist names of John Brain Smith and Braaaaaains Brains Brains. The press secretary noted that O’Blongata and Brum had apparently become self-radicalized Brainists through the internet.

Asked about the claim of responsibility from the Brainist Nation of Braaaaaaaaaaaains (BNB), the press secretary responded that they were “BSBB sympathizers,” using an alternate name for the organization (the “Brainist State for Brains and Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains”).

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[begin transcript]

SAUNDERS: This is KM247 calling KM Lodge, KM Lodge, do you read?

GRAS: This is KM Lodge, go ahead KM247.

SAUNDERS: Anything new on those teens, Rene?

GRAS: That’s a negative, John. No further contact since they missed their return time. About 23 hours from the clock in KM Lodge. Jones and Washington are still out on the south ridge, and we’ve got word out to KJ Lodge to send whatever rangers they can spare to help in the search. You still with Cahill?

SAUNDERS: Yeah, Jean’s right here. KM Lodge, please be advised, we’ve found an unauthorized campsite near the third bend.

GRAS: The third bend? How did you get that far so quickly?

SAUNDERS: That’s not important. Jean and I pulled up the canoe just off the third bend because we saw some evidence of human activity.

CAHILL: (indistinct)

SAUNDERS: Yeah, Jean. Say again, KM Lodge, we have found something really weird.

GRAS: We’re not looking for weird, John, we’re looking for Dixon party of seven, remember? Acknowledge, KM247.

SAUNDERS: This is KM247 acknoweldging. It’s just…Rene, if this is where those kids were, I’m a little afraid for them.

GRAS: What do you mean?

SAUNDERS: From the river it looked like some tree damage, but…Rene, someone cut a bunch of branches, sharpened them on both ends, and stuck them into the ground.

GRAS: Say again, John?

SAUNDERS: Recent carvings, too. Still wet and green in places. This couldn’t have been done more than a few hours ago, half a day, tops. Looks like someone blazed a little unauthorized trail and lined it with spears.

CAHILL: (indistinct)

SAUNDERS: And there are carvings in the trees, too. Also fresh, sap’s still running. Like someone carved their initials in, only these ain’t like any initials I’ve ever seen.

GRAS: How long is this trail, John?

SAUNDERS: Fifty yards maybe? And at the end…KM Lodge, this is really weird.

GRAS: Say again, KM247?

SAUNDERS: Someone took a bunch of stufed animals, kids’ toys, and put them in the trees. Hung them in the trees, from little nooses made from twine.

GRAS: Someone hung a bunch of toys by nooses?

SAUNDERS: Now do you see why I’m worried, Rene? If there’s some psycho out here, they could have…I don’t even want to think about it.

GRAS: KM247, are you armed?

SAUNDERS: Yeah, I have my .357.

CAHILL: (indistinct)

SAUNDERS: KM Lodge, we’ve just found some footprints and what looks like a bit of cloth that got snagged and torn. Could be our teens or our illegal camper.

GRAS: Standby, KM247. (indistinct) What’s that, Mary? (indistinct)

SAUNDERS: KM Lodge, are you there? I hear somebody coming.

CAHILL: (indistinct)

SAUNDERS: This is John Saunders of the National Park Service! Please identify yourself!

CAHILL: (indistinct)

SAUNDERS: (indistinct)

GRAS: Sorry about that, John. Mary just came over and said we found the Dixon party on the south ridge. Washington just called it in. Damn kids were hungover from a party.

SAUNDERS: (indistinct)

GRAS: Come again, KM247?

SAUNDERS: (indistinct)

GRAS: KM Lodge calling KM247, respond please! KM Lodge calling KM247, please acknowledge! John, do you read me? Jean? KM Lodge calling KM247, please respond!

[end transcript]

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