CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, coming at you live from the 2023 Squirrel-Off at the University of Northern Mississippi

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and for those who are just joining us, the Squirrel-Off is an event in which squirrels, geotagged and named by university donors, compete to build the largest and most impressive dwelling before the cruel snows of winter.

CARL: It doesn’t seem like the sort of thing that needs play-by-play or color commentary, but the check cleared, so here we are.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Right now, the clear favorite is Dr. Drey, who has been building a handsome nest in the big dead oak tree next to the chemistry building. Longtime viewers will recall that Dr. Drey was our runner-up last year, and he is currently favored to go all the way after last year’s champion, Nutty By Nature, was creamed by a Buick during the postseason.

CARL: I have heard that Nutty By Nature’s son, Manger Danger, is trying to make a run for the title despite struggling with a parasite infection all fall. But I have to say, this is not looking like his year.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Manger Danger has a drey in the maple between the library and human resources, but it is poorly situated and in a young tree unlikely to bear significant weight. Pretty good indication that the mange is affecting the kid’s judgment. I’m thinking that if any of the up-and-comers are challenging Dr. Drey it’s going to be Peanut Brutha or perhaps Cashew ‘n Carry. Thoughts?

CARL: Peanut Brutha has a good-looking drey outside the admin building, but has not been seen in over a day. It could be that he has joined Nutty by Nature in his fate, or been carried off to rodent valhalla by our resident spoiler, Hawk the Slayer. Cashew ‘n Carry, though, might get a look in.

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