Ingrid Inkbottle, the Weird Woman of the Weir, sounded a long, low note on her gourt horn to summon her jack o’minions back to her. At the sound of the supernatural gourdnote, the lumbering contraptions, with heads of pumpkin and bodies of scarecrows, lumbered back to her. Barely noticiable amid the decorations for the harvest festival, they were Ingrid’s most treasured spies, largely because they were cheap and easy to make.

Before long, three of the jack o’minions had arrived, clanking up to the door of Ingrid’s cottage. The enchantment was such that the magic animating the pumpkin-men would dissipate
on their dismissal, and the ambulatory vegetables longed for oblivion, seeing life and consciousness as an unwanted imposition.

“You there,” Ingrid said to the first. “Dish.”

In a raspy, hollow, echoing voice, the jack o’minion responded: “Sophia the stable girl is with child. Rumor has it that the father is not her husband, Ronald the baker, but rather Sean from the hay barn.”

“Ooh!” Ingrid squealed. “Juicy. You are dismissed.”

“Finally.” The jack o’minion collapsed in an inanimate heap.

“You there, what gossip do you bring?” Ingrid said to its fellow. “Auntie needs her stories.”

“The vicar is ill with a mysterious malady,” the second said. “Three doctors have been there and the first two have been sent away muttering about venereal disease.”

“Love it,” Ingrid said. “Get out of here.”

“Thank you,” sighed the creature as it crumpled.

“And you?” said Ingrid.

“Miss Matilda and Miss Prudence have been avoiding each other despite their lifelong friendship,” said the jack o’minion. “It has been noted and commented upon.”

“Not good enough,” said Ingrid. “Go back out there and find out more.”

“Please, mistress,” the gourd begged. “Release me.”

“Bring me juicy gossip and I shall!” Ingrid said.

“But to what end, mistress? What will yo ueven do with it?”

“Nothing,” Ingrid said. “Nothing at all. It just gives me something to occupy my twilight years in between books. Now go!”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!