The political crisis continues this week in the Republic of Slon, where deadlock between the Democratic-Republican Party and the Whig Party has led to the suspension of all essential and non-essential government functions. The Slon News Network reports on the fallout.

Surprisingly, the shutdown does not seem to have affected the average person on the street in Slon, despite the apocalyptic rhetoric unleashed by the two parties in the weeks prior to the shutdown. According to experts, this is because most functions that were once provided by the Slon central government, and which are provided by many of its fellow governments, were so inefficient and backward that most citizens long ago made the transition to using unethical corporate alternatives. “Sure, it sucks that Slon Post isn’t delivering,” said one citizen, “but my packages always arrived late, singed, and smelling of bacon, so I send all my stuff through GesteCo Express these days. GestEx might pollute the environment and use my money to influence corrupt legislators, but at least they get the job done.” Another citizen, on being informed that the Slon Library and Archives of the Republic were closed for the duration, expressed surprise that they were still in operation: “Oh they were maintaining our priceless heritage for free and making it available on the network? I just assumed that GesteCo Heritage Services was the only source for that stuff, so I’ve been buying access at 99 sloncs a month.”

In a statement for the Democratic-Republican Party, Archon Laden O’Bourne said that the shutdown was entirely the fault of the Whig Party, saying that the Democratic-Republicans were “innocent as little baby goats” while adding that the four-day-old shutdown was “the worst such political crisis in the history of Slon.” When reminded of the gridlock that led to a shutdown 18 years ago, which lasted two weeks, Archon O’Bourne backpedaled, claiming that “no one remembered” the earlier incident and that his statement was still correct inasmuch as he meant “the worst crisis in current history.”

The leader of the Whigs in the Assembly, Ephor Jimmy MacRibb, countered with a statement of his own indicating that O’Bourne’s words cast him as the “most ignorant, ineffective, and reviled Archon of modern times.” When reminded of Archon Crater, whose four years in office 35 years ago were so disastrous for the Republic of Slon that they are still known today as “The Great Malaise,” MacRibb said that his comments were taken out of context, despite being the only words he had said in a featureless and otherwise unoccupied room.

An uninterested third party, speaking on condition of anonymity, had the following remarks: “The end result of the gridlock will primarily be twofold. On the one hand, when the Whigs are in power, the Democratic-Republicans will use the same tactics they now decry with a smile on their faces. Much as the Whigs’ current tactics were practiced by the Democratic-Republicans during Archon Germanicus Briar’s administration six years ago, tactics that the Whigs at the time called ‘a holocaust-genocide-abortion.’ On the other hand, other countries jealous of the Republic of Slon or wishing to minimize their own horrible internal problems will trumpet the problems. Expect the Tyranny of Kyiiv to use jokes about the shutdown to distract from their current practice of grinding up political opponents and homosexuals into a nutrient paste for general consumption, and the Confederation of Maghrebos to feel better about themselves despite their corrupt governments squandering every cent of aid earmarked for their starving and restive citizenry.”

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