SACRAMENTO – Meetings of the state board of higher education ended in disarray today after a resolution to ban sweets in campus dining rooms became the source of an acrimonious split among the delegates and trustees. The resolution, which had been unilaterally enacted by the state legislature, was the subject of a motion declaring such interference beyond the scope of the legislature’s oversight and supervisory functions.

California State University Chico was joined in the motion by California State University Harpo, California State University Groucho, and California State University Zeppo. They were opposed by UC Curley, UCLF and UC San Diegmoe, the so-called “Big Three Stooges” of the UC system.

Tensions reached a boiling point when a group of pies, on hand as displays of the sort of processed sugar-rich foods the resolution would ban, were taken up by both sides and used as improvised melee and missile weapons. Reports indicate that the delegates assaulted one another with improvised weapons and in multiple cases by jabbing one another with their fingers.

No further details are available at press time, but early and unconfirmed reports indicate that the melee spilled into the street where a group of police officers from the nearby suburb of Keystone, despite outnumbering the combatants two to one and moving with “astonishing speed”, were unable to regain control of the situation.

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