1. Boarding is like unto a gold rush. You are prospector staking a claim in virgin territory, the overhead bins. Remember to place your roller bags sideways to claim as much real estate as possible, and don’t hesitate to close the bin early to stake your claim. This does not have anything to do with Republic Airlines’ aggressive pricing scheme for checked luggage.

2. Boarding is by zones. All passengers are put in Zone 7 where they will compete against one another for seats and space like the animals they are. You may be upgraded for a small bribe. Nervy people who attempt to board for an earlier zone have a 50-50 chance of being allowed to plane or being pulled aside for aggressive “additional screening” including a full body cavity and full body fluid search. Test your luck!

3. In a continuing effort to make 1990s comedy routines about airline food look extremely quaint, Rebublic Airlines now operates under Movie Theater Rules. Outside food and beverages will be aggressively screened for, and violations will be punished with the full force of TSA agents working with us in collusion. This does not have anything to do with Republic Airlines’ new aggressive pricing scheme for snacks.

4. First class passengers have paid for their status in desperately needed hard currency. Coach passengers may not look at first class passengers or speak to them without recieving permission. Coach passengers are required to move aside for first class passengers. The penalty for accosing a first-class passenger is death unto the third generation. First class passengers may kill coach passengers they deem unworthy of life so long as they are able to pay the wergald.

5. Due to Republic Airlines’ aggressive new payment scheme, all pilots and flight attendants are former employees of Aeroflot, the Soviet Union’s premier airline for the major duration of the Cold War. Russian-to-English dictionaries and interpreters are available if requested in advance in writing. Please report any attempts to push the aircraft into the flight performance envelope of a MiG-21 all-weather fighter-bomber, as there have been issues in the past.

Thank you, and have a pleasant flight!

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