Um, who am I? You’ve never heard of Lissa Bidethory, the total star pupil of Mercura Academy? Well, then, I’m glad you asked! I’m totes down to give you the deets.

I’ve been here about five years! Five of my best years, the flower of my youth. When the other girls were out there working it to get on the husband gravy train, I was nose-deep in books and classes. But that’s okay! It’s all part of my plan. Like, in a thousand years, they’ll be tomb dust and I’ll be slamming back ouzo with my peeps like not a day’s gone by. That’s the total power of arcane mastery. It’s why I do what I do.

Mercura Academy’s got all sorts of cool profs. There’s Harper the Annihilator, who’s deffo teaching me how to soothsay. But the only thing I can really see coming in his lectures is that he looooves the sound of his own voice, kay? Richenda the Undying has a lot to teach me, but she’s also got a lot to learn. Like, the entire class knows she has a cadaver under the lectern for a snack. She’s not fooling anybody. But that stuff about life force and eternal enduring? Now that’s what I’m down for. I even get to be in the practicum that Nevra the Witch Queen holds. This one time, I saw Missy McBride call her ‘Quitch’ to her face. Yeah, they carried her out as a dead marmoset after that one.

But yeah, I know all of the Grand Scholars of Mercura Academy on, like a personal level. My teachers and peeps are always giving me shoutouts in the halls. Once I was in the library, and Queen Nevra totally came up behind me. “The sight of young Lissa pouring over my clerical books while tugging thoughtfully on her hair never ceases to bring an affectionate smile to my face,” she said. I was high on that vibe for like a week. But it’s not just fun and games, you know? I know some of the most powerful people in Mercura. Like, I have totally made it my business to stay informed. You may think I’m just a bubblehead with nothing behind this big old smile, but this mind is like a steel trap, my friend. I can tell you all about the side-eye the Quitch has been getting from her Grand Scholars lately, what brand of polish Lectra uses on her armor, and where all the bodies are buried.

Just kidding about that last one. We don’t bury bodies, they usually get cremated. Or devoured, because Richenda will totes snarf them up if she gets there first.

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