Welcome to IFFY™, your source for handicrafts of extremely questionable quality! Here’s a variety of geegaws and trinkets that our algorithms have lovingly hand-curated for you!

Clothespin Reindeer – $3
Fun fact: they only make old-fashioned no-spring clothespins for craft project nonsense like this! Watch with amazement as google eyes, pipe cleaners, and hot glue combine to bring you $.37 of fun and us $2 of profit!

Pinecone Seed Bell – $5
Do you know what it takes to make suet? By hand? The kind of ardouous rendering of fat, bone, and flesh in order to create this gelatinous emulsion? Even if you do, in theory, you are not prepared for the smell of it. Seeds are easy. Pine cones are free for the taking. But my regret and the scent-ghosts of a thousand slaughtered hogs are in every dollop of this cursed fatty wax.

Origami Crane String – $22
See how they flit, delicate and fragile in a way no real crane ever could be (if you’ve ever tangled with one, you know). I was under-employed at a menial job doing night shift at a gas station this one time, and I started making paper cranes. Then I saw what people were selling them for on here, and I realized that I could make a better per-hour living with these bad boys. Sure beats being the only thing between desperate men with nothing to lose and the contents of the night safe.

Cut-Out of Lady in Bloomers Bending Over – $50
You know what it takes to make this? A jigsaw and some paint. But do you know who it takes to buy it? Lonely, desperate people, anxious to broadcast to the world that they are pleasant and have a sense of humor. But they only ever laugh at the jokes that are popular, they only ever go with the flow. The great log, dying but still in denial as it is borne down the flooded river to the coast – that is my customer.

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