Hey there sports fans! We here at the University love tailgating and football as much as you do, so we have put together this list of handy safety tips for your first big game weekend. Go team!

1. Arrive to the game early.
It can take up to 3 hours to move through heavy traffic on a major game day!

2. Only alcohol purchased onsite is allowed in the stadium. The booze will know if it is in the wrong place, and may cry out in pain.

3. Tailgating starts no earlier than 6pm the Friday before the game. Violators must give the University a Friday of its choosing in the future.

4. Masks are forbidden at all games. Though you hide your face, we know your soul better than you yourself.

5. No weapons may be carried on campus. The human body is a weapon, the most dangerous one of all.

6. All University buildings will be closed on game day. The secret whispers to unlock them are known solely to the cleaning staff and may not be overheard by sane ears.

7. Be aware that there may be cellular and data outages due to high demand. Human emotions, rising skyward like death rattles, envy the shining silver threads of cellular signals and seek only to end them.

8. Do not run. It will not help you, should the beast awaken.

9. Somewhere on campus, there is a patch of dead grass with a radius of 11.11 inches. No one must ever enter it.

10. If you suddenly feel the air temperature drop by 39.1 degrees centigrade, run. Do not look back, for what is coming cannot be seen with sane eyes.

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