CARL: This is Carl Drake, substitute newscaster for NBS Broadcasting, coming at you live from the NBS Channel 62 Newsroom with a Weather alert. We go now live to Tom, substitute stormchaser for NBS 62, at the scene of today’s big storm.
TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, your substitute stormchaser, and as you can see behind me, an F2 tornado has touched down near central Cricketford, and we are urging everyone to take shelter immediately.
CARL: That F2 is having a hell of an opener, Tom. But I’m guessing you don’t think it has a shot at the big time?
TOM: That’s right, Carl. Based on its stats, I’d say that this storm has probably peaked too early, and it will probably never make the Fujitsu Scale Hall of Fame. It’s worth noting now, and for the record, that I am not nor have I ever been a meteorologist.
CARL: Well, we are all learning new things about ourselves and practicing unusual skills in this era of media consolidation and layoffs, aren’t we? Also, it looks like the tornado behind you just hit the Zhoosh Barn on 6th.
TOM: That’s right, Carl, there is an explosion of sequins visible from here. The Zhoosh Barn has lived up to its moniker and glammed up this bush-league tornado like a reality show. And now it’s hitting the Sweet Spot.
CARL: I take it you mean the Sweet Spot bakery on 7th rather than the sweet spot it needs to make F3?
TOM: That’s right, Carl, there are pastries flying everywhere now amid the sequins.
CARL: That is one tasty storm. And let me just remind you, in case you missed it earlier: this is a full-on Tornado Warning for Cricketford County, and everyone is urged to take shelter immediately unless they are covering the storm for a major news outlet against which they have no professional recourse.
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 
Excerpts From Nonexistent Comments