CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, coming to you live from my girlfriend’s living room via Zoom for a postgame breakdown of the Battle Royale 2k20 Virtual Championship.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and I am also coming at you live from my closet to help break down the Battle Royale 2k20 Virtual Championship. If my bitrate drops suddenly, it means the kids have started a new YouTube video.

CARL: So when we last left our players, Erasmo was 12 kills ahead of Spainhour, our two top players after master player Gsaser was banned from all tournament play in perpetuity throughout the universe by speaking in favor of Hong Kong home rule.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. China rules Hong Kong forevermore, and its benevolent hand is only reluctantly moved to violence by the actions of a few counterrevolutionaries.

CARL: Now I will admit that I am not entirely clear on the rules of Battle Royale 2k20, being as I am a professional sportscaster who has been furloughed at half pay and calling these esports games is the only way I can prove my worth to my corporate masters at NBS, who have already enacted staffing cuts so severe they border on decimation.

TOM: That’s right, Carl, and we should be grateful for these few table scraps we have been given. Higgins had to call the election live in a Republican stronghold, and he may not live through the night.

CARL: So as far as I can see, Spainhour needs to pretend kill Erasmo 12 times in order to claw back the lead in this video game.

TOM: That’s right, Carl, though I believe he can kill anyone else as well.

CARL: Even noobs?

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Especially noobs.

CARL: And the tournament is sudden death?

TOM: That’s right, Carl, inasmuch as any player may be, at any time, suddenly killed. For pretend. But Battle Royale 2k20 will allow them to respawn in the next game.

CARL: So not at all unlike the Lions, in any case. All right! Ordinarily, this is the part of our coverage where we would do a locker room huddle, but that’s how we lost Gutierrez. Also, I don’t believe that there is any locker room, since these kids aren’t breaking much of a sweat.

TOM: That’s right, Carl, though as my son will tell you, you don’t need to be physically active to need a good shower, and I imagine these e-athletes are much the same.

CARL: You said earlier you don’t think your boy has what it takes to be an esports champion, Tom?

TOM: That’s right, Carl, you have to actually play video games to get to the championship. Tom Jr. only watches other people play on YouTube, a recursive nightmare of laziness and sloth that saddens me even as I am stunned by its magnitude.

CARL: Takes after his mother, then?

TOM: That’s right, Carl, though since the ‘rona I have managed to keep temporary custody of the descendants, since ex-Mrs. Hicks doesn’t want to be cooped up with them any more than she wants to stop draining my wallet for alimony.

CARL: Up next, some greatest moments from the most recent game, including spawn-camping, an epic headshot, the Halo Hump, and of course, our Teenage Trash Talker of the day! Stay tuned.

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