Q: Do I need to report money from major criminal enterprises? I am the head of a major crime family trying to file as head of household.
A: Yes! On Form 1040, you will find a line for “embezzled or other illegal income.” Please put the full cash value of any and all illegal income on this line, rounded to the nearest whole dollar.
Q: I made a major contribution to the prior presidential administration in exchange for a tax break. Is that offer still valid under the current administration?
A: It depends. If you are referring to a handwritten Form 7R1-1Mp, those promissory notes are no longer legal or valid. However, if you were a direct beneficiary of the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017, that tax relief is still valid and you need take no further action.
Q: I am an alchemist transmuting less than 1 troy ounce of lead into gold per year. Do I need to claim this as income?
A: While the official reporting threshold for alchemical taxes is indeed 1 troy ounce and under, remember that the value of the ingredients and equipment are included–if you are able to procure genuine Philosopher’s Lead and have an alembic that is attuned well enough to transmute, those are converted to gold-equivalent via Table 79a and may put you over the 1-oz limit for recreational “exempt alchemy.”
Q: I returned from my abduction from the Sargons of the Andromeda Galaxy with knowledge of advanced technology I used to start a home business, but also several health ailments requiring daily care. Can I claim these as business expenses?
A: Extraterrestrial-related technologies (“ET income”) are taxable but only directly-related expenses may be deducted. The sutures used to implant alien tissue into a living host would, for example, be deductible but an alien embryo requiring outpatient care would not.
Q: I died this past year, but rose as the living dead, fearsome in life but unstoppable in crypt’s embrace. Do I need to report any income I make?
A. You’ll need to file a form 1099-Z assuming that you fall into the relevent categories for Post-Necrotic Income (see the filing instructions for a complete list). If you have assumed an undead form that is not on that list, you will need to file an amended 1040-RIP along with a full description of your current state. Keep in mind that if you can demonstrate hardship from post-necrotic decay, you may be eligible for deductions based on your category (EG zombies would qualify, but liches would not).
Q: I have been laid low by a new and virulent illness. Do I still need to file?
A: Yes, but you may qualify for an extension. Refer to table CDC-1 for a list of categories that apply. Do keep in mind that the illness must be naturally occurring; Ouagadougou Fever would qualify, but The Bloodsin would not. In the case of naturally-occurring illnesses which have been weaponized, like Marburg hemorrhagic fever, you must have contracted a natural variant rather than being exposed to a biological weapon.
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