“Sir, please step aside, sir,” the agent said, waving Simon aside.

“Wait, what?” Simon said. “I already went through security. Full body scan, three-ounce liquids, all that.”

“I understand that, sir, but this additional screening is newly mandated by the ESA, and you’ve been randomly selected for additional checks.”

“Uh, okay,” Simon said, nervously eying the taser at the agent’s side. “What’s the ESA?”

“The Emotional Security Administration, sir,” said the agent. “Sir, before you get on the plane, we’re going to have to screen your emotional baggage.”

Simon thought back to his emotionally distant father, crippling intimacy issues, and the whole recent nasty breakup with Cindy. “Well, crap,” he said.

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