Airport Thrillers
Only good for reading if you’re high.

Everybody already has one they’re pretending to read.

Children’s Books
For obvious reasons, we prefer to buy these when they are new and not sticky.

Complete Works of Shakespeare
Unless it’s a First Folio, we’re good.

Diet Books
The only weight you lost was money from your wallet.

We have computers in the library now, have you heard?

National Geographic Magazines
We know they’re cool. That’s why we already have some.

Reader’s Digest Condensed Books
Low-calorie books are less filling.

If they’re pre-2015, they’re too old to be useful. If they’re post-2015, they’ll just get stolen.

VHS Tapes
DVDs don’t need to be rewound.

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