It has come to my attention that some so-called “teachers” in the great State of Tallahatchie are using a dangerous and disingenuous new form of brainwashing to try and turn our students against their parents, against the state, and most importantly, against their politicians. I speak, of course, of Critical Zombie Theory.

For those of you who are churchgoing, god-fearing, upright citizens who have never heard of Critical Zombie Theory, I will explain it. Critical Zombie Theory claims that the law is biased toward zombies, that it has historically allowed them to eat brains unopposed, and that the powers-that-be have allowed this situation to continue as it allows the so-called “elites” to maintain their power and privilege by throwing people to the zombies and by building an militarizing a Zombie Patrol that can also be used to silence dissent.

Obviously, this is ludicrous. The great State of Tallahatchie does not favor zombies at all. Granted, they can kill with impunity and are rarely charged and often acquitted for their crimes. But the law is very clear and ironclad in this case: if a zombie murders a a person and consumes their living brain in self-defense, they are will within their legal rights. The solution is simple: don’t startle zombies! Don’t ask them for things, criticize them, or question their actions, and you’ll be fine. That’s not the law favoring zombies; that’s just common sense.

Another lie that these purveyors of Critical Zombie Theory have been pushing is that the Zombie Patrol has been given too much power and is being used to harass and kill the very people that it ought to be protecting from zombies. This is clearly ridiculous, too. Zombies are slow-moving and low-witted, so naturally armored vehicles, tactical kevlar, and high-powered repeating rifles are necessary for containing them. And if those same tools need to occasionally be used on protestors? Well, those people forfeited their right to not be shot by the Zombie Patrol when they disobeyed lawful orders to sit down and be quiet.

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