HOST: We’re here dead at Wickham Manor, a 19th-century robber baron estate currently haunted by Marie-Anne Wickham, the ghost of the last owner’s maiden aunt who died in a tragic cotillion accident. Marie-Anne, tell us about your haunt.

MARIE-ANNE: Well, I mostly moan on the upper stories and in the attic, sometimes singing old nursery rhymes or writing threatening messages in the dust.

HOST: And you’d like this to be upgraded to a Class IV haunting on the Tobin scale?

MARIE-ANN: More than anything. That uppity Undine McCrae at the Haversham Plantation thinks she’s sooo fancy with her Class IV rank and her four Michelin skulls from the guidebook. Makes her insufferable, the old banshee!

HOST: Well, you’re in luck! The Pimp My Gloomâ„¢ crew is here to help. Now, while the zombies get to work on zhuzhing up your overall creepiness, and our posthumous designer is getting some cobweb samples ready, tell me: when’s your deathday, Marie-Anne?

MARIE-ANNE: May the 25th, the day of the Spring Cotillion. I can still hear the screams!

HOST: Have you ever thought about something simple to commemorate it? One easy-and fun!-option is to reenact your final hours in spectral form on your deathday. Descend the grand staircase, greet illusory guests, and of course set the room and guests alight with spectral fire as you burn.

MARIE-ANNE: Oh, wow, I never throught of that! I mean, it’s nothing I’m not doing already, but the deathday anniversary just makes it that much more meaningful, you know?

HOST: Of course! Now let’s check in with Pierre, our loup-garou life coach. He’s going to run some simple exercises and drills with you to get the walls bleeding on command.

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