Madison R’Svask

Dear Warmaiden Madison R’Svask:
My parents live apart and there is always a huge amount of awkwardness and tension when the two sides of the family have to be together. What do you recommend?
-Melody Dallas, Houston 2 Colony, The Globular Cluster, 16590-7840

Dear Melody:

Great question! This is an area where I have a lot of expertise. As you might know if you’re a longtime reader, my dad is Prime Warlord Zadias R’Svask of the gyu’Vatna, ruling warrior caste of the glorious Vatna Hegemony. My mom, on the other hand, is a fashion vlogger and freelance skincare consultant for Star Confederation Monthly. So I know a thing or two about family tensions!

The key here is to be true to yourself and try to bridge the gap, but not so much that either side walks all over you. For instance, a few months ago my arch-rival Xenia Zzazzsk posted a really hurtful parody ClipClop, where she used advanced AI to make it look like I was doing a silly dance in last year’s fall fashions! Now this was during my birthday week, so both my mom’s family and friends and my dad’s contingent of the First Battlefleet were present, and let me tell you, they did NOT agree on how I should respond!

Mom said that I should let it roll off my back and not bother me, while my stepdad said that I should go further and laugh it off as a joke. Dad said that a besmirchment of my honor on that public of a platform (Xenia Zzazzsk has 28.2 billion sapients following her on ClipClop) meant that we had to declare BloodWar at once. If you don’t know Vatna culture, or if the only Vatna you experience is a Kragh Fleet slurpy-meal, declaring a BloodWar means that the aggreived party will not rest until they recieve an apology or they pulll out an enemy’s still-beating ql’tach and show it to them.

Now I know from experience that getting an apology from Xenia Zzazzsk is like fitting into a size -1 dress or slavemelding with a wild flu’Qog. But even though, as a Warmaiden, I could easily pierce Xenia’s semi-chitinous hide with one hand tied behind my back, I didn’t want to visit the annihilation of a BloodWar upon her followers, some of whom might not have even known about her ClipClop before it was posted.

So I balanced the two sides and made a ClipClop of my own, iin which an AI made Xenia do a Fulvan Hive Apology Scuttle. Neither Mom nor Dad was super happy, but I was true to both sides of my heritage. And when Dad suggested we use an alpha braiworm to make Xenia do the scuttle for real, I turned him down. In the end, only three people died: two of Xenia’s social media managers, and one of Dad’s fleet commanders who ritually bloodlet them, and himself, as atonement.

Stay tuned next week when I live vlog from the Star Confederation Monthly runway about which gowns are hot, which are not, and which are ready for battle in the harsh vacuum of space. Hearts and stars, glory and honor everyone!

-Warmaiden Madison R’Svask

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