It has come to our attention that some in this state have been complaining that guns have more rights than women in this state. This is, clearly, an absurd state of affairs. Therefore, the state legislature majority caucus has authorized and passed SLB 117, also known as the “Firearms Right to Life Bill.”

This important bill, the first of its kind nationwide and hopefully the first of many, rules that guns are legally classified as living beings and that bullets are legally classified as children. Therefore, it is now illegal in this state to unload a loaded gun, which would be tantamount to an abortion, or to destroy and existing gun, which is now legally equivalent to murder. Guns and ammunition may, of course, still be freely manufactured.

What does this mean for you, the gun owners of this state? First of all, take care of your guns. If you are found to have destroyed or improperly cared for a firearm, you will be liable for stiff penalties including mandatory fines and jail time. Second, all bullets must be fired, birthed into the world as God intended. Unloading is tantamount to murder and will be subject to the same harsh fines and jail time. Both will be enforced by tip lines, bounty hunters, and handsome cash rewards from the state coffers for those who report any such crimes.

I have been asked whether firing a gun into a steel or paper target, or a dirt berm, constitutes a crime under this new law. The answer: absolutely. God intended bullets to be fired into and pierce living flesh, and we are but His humble servants. Therfore any firing of a gun that does not result in a wound will be tantamount to masturbation, which the Lord also frowns upon. The penalty will be the same, though smaller bounties are authorized for its reportage. We have given the firing ranges and gun clubs of the state 30 days to convert to live targets, after which they will be raided and closed. In a seperate, unrelated, decision, we are pleased to report that inmates of state correctional facilities are now available to rent as targets.

The legislature’s majority caucus thanks you for your continued support via intensive gerrymandering, and urges you to go forth and birth as many bullet babies into the world as you can.

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