Madison R’Svask

Dear Warmaiden Madison R’Svask:
My Vatna friend keeps saying that I lack moq’hiQ. What is moq’hiQ, and should I be worried if I lack it?
-Jessica 112, CloneStation 221b, Replicon Space, 97389-3305

Dear Jessica:

Oh dear. I don’t know how much you know about Vatna culture, but someone saying that you lack moq’hiQ is a very serious insult! Are you sure you’re really friends?

For some context, a lot of people like to throw the word moq’hiQ around because it has street red, or because they saw it in a Vatna action movie. But it’s definitely a word that only a Vatna should use, and carefully at that. I’ve only heard my dad, Prime Warlord Zadias R’Svask of the ruling gyu’Vatna warrior caste of the glorious Vatna Hegemony, say that anyone lacked moq’hiQ a few times. And each time, it led to a BloodWar. It’s just that strong a word!

moq’hiQ is a pretty untranslatable concept, but it could roughly be said to mean honor, gumption, common sense, and smarts all wrapped up into one like a luxury bath bomb (but not one of those stellar mines peddled by Xenia Zzazzsk that will turn your tub into a black hole). A Vatna who has a lot of moq’hiQ is riding high, but saying that it is lacking is like calling someone a dumb, dishonorable, coward all at once! It’s really hurtful.

Now it’s one thing for a non-Vatna to say another non-Vatna that moq’hiQ is lacking. That’s not great, but they all they know about Vatna culture they probably learned at Kragh Fleet from the back of a Slurpy-Meal™. But for a Vatna to say that to someone? That’s a really serious insult.

The way I see it, you have two options available to you, depending how immersed your friend is in Vatna culture and how grievously you feel insulted. You can laugh it off, but note that whoever used such hurtful language is not really your friend. That’s what I did when Xenia Zzazzsk called me a flaccid nishaQ in a video that went out to all 28.2 billion sapients that follow her on ClipClop. Now, I grant you that’s not as grievous of an insult, but I just ignored it and did an endorsement video for Star Confederation Monthly. I proved Xenia wrong by behaving in a way that no flaccid nishaQ ever would! If you do this, I would stop hanging around with your friend as well. They have shown that they don’t really care for you.

The other option of course, is to fight for your moq’hiQ and prove that you have it in abundance. If you’re not willing to declare BloodWar or if you lack a battlefleet, the traditional Vatna way is trial by single combat. As the aggrieved party, you have choice of weapons, and I would suggest either a set of dueling plasmacasters if you’re a good shot or a pair of sil’skek blades if you aren’t. Remember: a Vatna can be disabled by a plasma strike to the armored forehead plate even if it is not enough to kill them, and you can slide a blade up under the 13th rib from behind to pierce a Vat’s ql’tach and kill them instantly. Good luck!

Either way, just remember that your value is in you, not in the labels others place on you. Stay tuned next week for my exclusive interview with Its Holiness 11011101, the Machine God of the controversial but chic new sect of Robotulism. Hearts and stars, glory and honor everyone!

-Warmaiden Madison R’Svask

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!