CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, coming at you live from the 2023 Fantasy Sports Superbowl.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and it’s been quite a day for fantasy football fans. Carl, you want to do a quick recap for our viewers still dazzled by an onslaught of commercials that cost more than most feature films?

CARL: The score stands tied at 7-7 at the beginning of the second quarter, with overwhelming favorites the Seattle Sorcerers underperforming in the face of a surprisingly determined defense from the Baltimore Bards.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. The Bards stopped the last Sorcerers scoring drive dead in its tracks just before the whistle. And I do mean dead, we have confirmation from the field that no. 77 Axemund Bileborn, who was sacked by no. 66 Grimhorn Shattershield, did not survive.

CARL: Bileborn had just caught the snap from no. 13, Whisper Sunderbough, whose pass had sailed through the air like a clear note from a silver trumpet. That leaves the Sorcerers’ sole touchdown as the 33-yard teleportation by Fizzle McPotion, which was answered shortly thereafter by a runaway goal by Shattershield for Baltimore.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Fantasy football being what it is, I understand that three of the Baltimore players leveled up during the break, though what if any new skills and feats they have acquired remain unclear.

CARL: If I were Shattershield I’d definitely take the Throw Anything feat. You’ll recall in 2018 that Block Granite was able to throw both the ball and Fungo Scoggins at the same time, leading to a rare double touchdown.

TOM: That’s right, Carl, and if the wizard quarterback is able to take Block Teleport as a cantrip, they can keep McPotion from sneaking in another tele-goal for Seattle. Then again, if they level up their rogue, how much damage will he do with a concealed tackle?

CARL: 4d6+4, assuming we’re talking about no. 21 Slitpipes McGee and not no. 48 Burgle Wheezegasp.

TOM: That’s right, Carl, McGee is the rogue I’d have on my line. Wheezegasp has promise–he showed that as an assassin in the NFCAA–but he’s about two levels from being ready for this sort of melee. Unless McGee is slain or incapacitated, I’d expect Baltimore to stick with him.

CARL: At this point, I’m thinking that Seattle is in a real pickle. Is it time to let no. 99, Plagueis Deathnote, out of the bullpen?

TOM: That’s right, Carl, a little necromancy is just what Seattle needs to get some more men on the field and make up for the levels they haven’t been gaining. The only question is, has enough blood been spilt on this spot, enough bodies buried warm after cold-blooded murder, to rise in appreciable numbers to make a difference?

CARL: It was built by the mob, so I’m guessing yes.

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