Due to last week’s temperature fluctuations, with a record 110º on Monday and another record -40º on Wenesday, we understand that a lot of our viewers are looking for answers.

Unfortunately, due to State Act 124-12 § 2, the “Don’t Say Climate Change” bill, we are not allowed to discuss the most likely cause of this wild weather. And thanks to State Act 124-12 § 1, it is unlikely that the average viewer would have the science literacy skills necessary to interpret it. As such, we must point our viewers elsewhere for answers.

Legislators in Texas are fond of blaming a certain group of people, and specifically perceived divine retribution thereupon, for natural disasters. But thanks to State Act 104-3 § 1-24, the “Never Say Gay” bill, that scapegoat is ironically forbidden to us as well, even though we are quite sure that the state legislature would approve.

We are also tempted to blame foreigners, but State Act 121-33 § 1, the “Sovereign State Relations” bill, states that we are not allowed to name any foreign state without express legislative approval. While § 2 does allow us to mention the Russian Federation and its wise and noble leader Vladimir Vladimirovich without such approval, it is only in positive contexts, and therefore will not do as a scapegoat for the fresh cracks in your masonry and hundreds of thousands of dead farm animals.

We are therefore compelled to say that the cause of this unprecedented event was completely unknown, completely unpreventable, and will completely never happen again. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s weather forecast, which features a 25% chance of firestorms.

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