NEWSCASTER: And what do you have to say about the allegations that have been made recently that your firm was deliberately selling diseased rabbits as laboratory animals or pets, and that your grade-school dissection specimens were similarly unsafe?
DR. PIKE: I’d like to take this opportunity to assure you and the viewing public at home that these rumors are completely baseless. At Lapine Industries, we hold ourselves to the highest standards of genetic engineering, breeding, and overall cleanliness.
NEWSCASTER: And the reports of Lapine Industries rabbits, both live and cadaver, attacking customers and schoolchildren?
DR. PIKE: As I said, completely baseless.
NEWSCASTER: We have some footage here acquired through our affiliate WRBT in Cascadia, Michigan.
[grainy image of a elementary school science classroom]
SCHOOLCHILD: What’s wrong with Mr. Fluffy?
TEACHER: Get back, children!
[a blur of white streaked with crimson flashes in front of the camera followed by a scream]
TEACHER: My God, it got Jeannie!
[sound of a 12-gauge round being chambered]
TEACHER: Chew on this!
[gunshot; dark fluid coats camera, obscuring visuals]
TEACHER, CHILDREN: [indistinct screaming]
NEWSCASTER: Dr. Pike?
DR. PIKE: Those could be anyone’s rabbits.
NEWSCASTER: Looks like we’ve got our first caller. Hello, you’re on Soft Copy 360.
CALLER: [frantic and out of breath] We heard that there might be a problem, so we buried our dissection rabbits meant for seventh-grade biology.
DR. PIKE: Now, I can assure you that was an unnecessary-
CALLER: [interrupting] They came back! Do you hear me? THEY CAME BACK! They’re at the barricades right now…I don’t know how long we can hold them off! I think they infected some of the local rabbits too-
NEWSCASTER: Caller, can you speak up? We’re having trouble hearing you.
[indistinct screaming, growling, gunshots audible]
CALLER: Oh God, they’re everywhere! Drooling green slime, faster than we can track them or shoot…please, send help! Call the National Guard! We’re about to be overrun with killer zombie rabbits from hell!
DR. PIKE: Now, I don’t think that’s a fair characterization of a Lapine Industries product. We have rigorous safety procedures in place and offer 24/7 online customer support. Have you tried reading the storage and care instructions that came with your rabbit cadavers, and are you sure that they were sourced from Lapine Industries?
CALLER: [panicking] No, no, aim for the head!
[more growling, screaming; line abruptly goes dead]
NEWSCASTER: Dr. Pike, any comment?
DR. PIKE: Clearly an isolated incident, probably caused by improper handling.
Check out this month’s other bloggers, all of whom have posted or will post their own responses: