“These men have clearly been trampled,” said the investigator.
“No,” said Detective Foster. “Look at the splinters, the root marks. They’ve been trunkled. Our perp is a middle aged maple tree, maybe 12’2″.”
April 26, 2017
April 21, 2017
Str 20, Dex 18, Con 21, Int 2, Wis 17, Cha 11
HP: 19 (2d8+10)
Saves: Fort +8, Ref +7, Will +3
Base Atk +1; CMB +7; CMD 21 (25 vs. trip)
Skills: Perception +8; Init +4; Senses low-light vision
Speed: 50 ft.
Melee: 2 hooves +5 (1d4+5)
A pure white courser charges up to you. It taps out a Morse code greeting with one hoof: …. . .-.. .-.. —
Setchley the Wonder Horse is the former steed of the great hero Conny, who single-handedly built a one-horse farming town into a mighty farming empire. Setchly is that horse. He can still be found by those in need long after the great hero Conny rode off to another world of adventure on the wings of her demon chicken Peckabella.
April 17, 2017
You can tell when the mother rabbit is ready to give birth because she will swell up very noticeably. Make sure to move her outside at this point, because within a day or two she will violently explode and scatter baby bunnies all over a half-mile radius. This ensures that the babies which survive will be well-scattered and hardy enough to survive.
April 12, 2017
The Pundigrion is a book of immense power. Many have gone mad scrying deeply into its pages, expecting as they often do a mere book of very good puns. But those are a dime a dozen, from The Funomicon to The Wit’s Endgemot, and have no power over the insane (merely the inane).
But The Pundigrion works on a different principle. It open’s the reader’s mind to the inner working of language, the web of phonemes and graphemes that make up language at its most base. It tears away the veil of individual language to expose the underlying code that makes puns possible. And, in this way, it drives readers to gibbering madness.
We can trace the oldest known copy of The Pundigrion to Moshe Abraham, the Mad Israeli, who composed a scroll in Aramaic in the year 135. Taken by the victorious Romans, it was later copied in Athens into Greek and Latin by Leonidas the Loony Lacedaemonian. The Latin copy ended up in the Vatican archives, where numerous vulgate copies were made by Innocentius the Insane Italian. The Greek copy was captured by the Ottomans and sent to Constantinople, where Turkish and Arabic versions can be traced to Taranuz the Touched Turk.
In total, nine copies of The Pundigrion are known to have existed, in Aramaic, Latin, Greek, Turkish, Arabic, Italian, French, German, and English. Each has had its exact whereabouts lost over time, largely because it reduces those who study it to gibbering lunatics capable of speaking only in elaborate puns. These people tend not to dispose of their estates very rationally; the 18th-century scholar Berthold the Batty Berliner tossed his copy of The Pundigrion from the dome of St Hedwig’s, for instance. It was rather quickly followed by the rest of his library, his clothes, and Berthold himself.
Chroniclers record his last words as “Singt ein Vogel auswendig? Nein, am meisten singt er vom Blatt!” A rough translation would be “Does a bird sing from memory?
No, it mostly reads from the sheet music.”
April 11, 2017
“You can’t leave!” the first hooded figure, the one in a purple robe, cried. “It is a violation of the Tuvo Principle, the Society’s most cherished precept!”
“Wait a moment,” said the second hoodie, this one in crimson. “I thought free will was the centerpiece of the Tuvo Principle!”
“Free will aside from total subservience to the Society and the Tuvo Principle,” added a third member wearing forest green.
Crimson shook their head, as evidenced by the bobbing of their robe. “How can your will be free if you’re subservient?”
“Yeah,” said Yellow. “That’s dumb.”
“Well, if the Tuvo Principle isn’t what I say it is, then what is it?” Purple shouted.
“It’s absolute free will!” said Crimson.
“It’s absolute subservience!” shouted Green.
“I’ll show you who’s subservient!” Yellow followed these fighting words with an actual physical blow aimed at Purple.
The argument quickly degenerated into a melee after this. Forgotten amidst the Society’s shouting, Chris worked the bindings free and cut Avery loose with the sacrificial dagger.
“What the heck is the Tuvo Principle, anyway?” Said Avery as they fled.
“I don’t even think they know.”
April 10, 2017
Cascadia is home to a uniue brant of bed and breakfast, adventurous in more ways than one: the Dungeons and Dragons Bed and Breakfast, or D&D B&B. Staci Gvensdottir runs the establishment with her partner, Peter Smith, and like so many other desperately innovative business ideas it dates to the subprime mortgage crisis of 2008.
“Peter lost his job and I lost mine, within a few days of each other,” laughs Gvensdottir. “Just after we inked the lease on this place. So we had to do something fast, because banks were feeling awfully foreclosey back then!”
The solution lay in the massive collection of role playing books accumulated by the couple. Gvensdottir purchased new books as they came out, while Smith preferred to hoard classic tomes. “I’m a third edition and before nutcase,” says Smith. “As far as I’m concerned, if there ain’t THAC0, it ain’t Dungeons and Dragons.”
Gvensdottir and Smith wrote a few quick D&D campaigns that could be played with a variety of settings, characters, and systems. They then began advertising their home as a destination getaway for couples looking to do a little role playing. “Not neccessarily the sort of roleplaying everyone thinks of, admittedly,” says Gvensdottir. “We had a few very disappointed people in gimp masks show up.”
At first, Gvensdottir and Smith’s “D&D B&B” was advertised through word-of-mouth. “Our friends at the comic book shop and on listservs and message boards, mostly,” says Smith. “The first few were really just pity stays, but once word got out, we’ve been pretty constantly booked.”
A weekend at the D&D B&B begins with rolling character sheets in a living room from a classic 1880s lumber baron house, restored to its full glory. Guests either roll new characters or adapt prechosen ones and then set out on an adventure that will last from two days to over a week. Meals are provided, as are caffeinated beverages and salty/sugary snacks, and every few hours there is a fresh-air excursion to a local Cascadia landmark.
“The standard dungeon grind is by far the most popular,” says Gvensdottir. “People just love the thrill of delving deep into a castle dungeon to defeat an ancient evil.”
At the end of the stay, visitors have the option or purchasing their character sheets or leaving a copy on file for future adventures. Nearly all do, as the experience of 12-hour marathon dice-rolling sessions is not soon forgotten.
April 8, 2017