Fear of the planet Mars. Sufferers cannot bear to be under any sky that contains the Red Planet.

Fear of douches. Sufferers cannot be in any college town with active fraternity chapters.

Fear of buttons. Sufferers must use custom all-zipper clothing

Fear of chips. Sufferers cannot eat fried potato slices or use integrated electronics.

Fear of love. Sufferers spend all their time on the internet.

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1670 BC
Pharaoh Amenhotep VI decides that the eclipse is a sign of Ra’s anger and immediately vows to disband his brief flirtation with representative parliamentary democracy.

951 BC

Armies battling in central China pause their slaughter for an awestruck moment during the eclipse. Upon its expiry, the battle resumes as if nothing had happened.

217 BC
The Roman general Trivius witnesses an eclipse after praying to Jupiter for a sign of what to do in order to achieve victory. Inspired, he leads his men into battle blindfolded, resulting in a disastrous defeat.

5 AD
An African eclipse leads to a stampede of frightened wildebeest, trampling King Odayo II of Senemali and his court.

900 AD

An eclipse over the Yucatan convinces a Mayan ruler that the end of the world is at hand. He orders that all of his worldly possessions be hurled into a cenote, and then joins them after failing to pay his workers.

1491 AD
This widely observed Mesoamerican eclipse was dismissed at the time as portending anything ominous.

1603 AD

This eclipse is believed to be the inspiration for a lost Shakespeare play mentioned in the MacDunnagh Register: The Tragedie of the Sunne Blocke.

1962 AD
An eclipse over Antarctica leads a colony of Emperor Penguins to revert to their winter heat-retention behavior. Hundreds die of heatstroke on the ice.

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Turnicus totalis
Forces the driver to make the next safe turn in the direction their blinker is pointing.

Signalicon permanatus
Turn signals will automatically activate, even outside of the car–disembodied signals will hover about the buttocks of any on-foot drivers for the duration.

Cut-innocenti reversi
Drivers who zoom ahead where one lane is closed only to try and cut in at the last possible second find themselves at the back of the line.

Contracti lorrius
Large white trucks that have never done an honest day’s work will contract each day they are not hauling a load or driving off-road until they reach a size appropriate for their daily workload (such as a Fiat 500).

Reflectus responsibilius
Cell phones will only show a forward view from the cab while driving.

Paradoxian fatalis
You will suffer a real version of the accident you just almost caused, in such a way that you will be the only one injured and no other vehicles will be damaged.

Emeraldia xenoptic
Since you can’t seem to see green lights, you will only be able to see the color green.

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SKIT stores, your source for affordable modular furniture from Åland, is proud to present its new catalog item for fall 2017:

Type: Mirror
Article Number: 13.1289.66

The latest addition to the RYLEH line of home furnishings from SKIT, the RYLEH Mirror is made out of 100% ethically sourced cosmic matter that is impervious to any interaction with normal matter. It is imperishable, indestructible, will float in the void long after out sun has cooled to ash, and can be cleaned with a damp cloth. Through the artisan-crafted electromatter glass, you can see not only reflections of that is, but also what might be and what cannot be stopped. SKIT is not responsible for madness caused by the RYLEH, and recommends that you gaze into its abyss no more than twice a day for 30 seconds or less.

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With the disappearance of the land bridge, bunyips lost access to their most favored prey, and with the arrival of aboriginal Australians and their dogs, bunyips were no longer free to roam as apex predators any longer.

As any biologist will tell you,a bunyip is completely unable to withstand being seen, and the mere gaze of another being is enough to kill it instantly. It evolved to combat this by lurking in muddy rivers and coastal waters, but humans and dogs had no intrinsic fear of the bunyip and often would gawk at it, turning what might have been a survivable peek into a fatal gaze.

Official Australian government estimates are that less than 10 wild bunyips survive, and despite some promising advances made using blind or blindfolded captors, none have ever lived in captivity for more than a few days. Add to that the bunyip’s peculiar reproduction, which somehow requires both a newly-dead host to incubate eggs and a live birth on dry sand, and there are few reasons to be optimistic about the species’ chances for survival.

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Are you a Scotsman who is both proud of himself and his figure? Are you tired of itchy, stuffy, traditional kilts that make you cut an unflattering figure?

Introducing the new PENCIL KILT™ by Eddie Borough!

Slim and slimming, made from a fully lined double-serge cotton blend that is as airy as it is warm, the Eddie Borough Pencil Kilt™ is a new milestone in men’s fashion. With a banded waist, invisible back zip, vented back hem, the Pencil Kilt™ is a clean, modern looking kilt–one you’ll wear from season to season. We’ve even added a bit of stretch for comfort and ease!

Eddie Borough’s Pencil Kilt™ is available in sizes 00 to 4. Chunkier Scotsman need not apply. Get yours today!

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On July 9, 1997, the state of Massachusetts declared the chocolate chip cookie to be their official state cookie.

It replaced the previous state confection, the barley-and-oat cookie, which had been adopted in 1697 by the legislature of the Province of Massachusetts. The barley-and-oat cookie was a deliberately bitter and unpleasant-tasting baked good, with the whole oats providing a particularly unpleasant mouthfeel.

This was deliberate, as the Puritans who had invented the cookie thought that its poor taste and texture would present “a bulwarke againste Idleness” and that sweet treats were “tooles of the Devil and temptations to Sinne.” By limiting themselves to unpleasant cookies, the Puritans thought, they could resist sin and temptation.

It is worth noting that a contemporary account, from 1698, notes that “as poore as these Cookys are” that they are still “bettere by a League than thee usual Fare” at a Puritan dinner table.

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