This post is part of the October 2013 Blog Chain at Absolute Write. This month’s prompt is “Lions, tigers, and bears, oh my.”
PLAY-BY-PLAY: And we’re back with the Detroit Lions versus the Chicago Bears. 4th quarter, 0-0, and just coming off a Meyersby flummox by the Bears that Oscar Earle stopped for the Lions using the Thatch Weave.
COLOR: You just made that up, didn’t you?
PLAY-BY-PLAY: True enough, Carl, true enough. But it’s not like anyone actually listens to our chatter, we’re just a part of the background noise like the roaring fans and the commercials for products aimed at males 18-35. And if we can’t embrace that, own that, and have some fun with it, ours is a hollow existence devoid of meaning–a meaningless howling into the infinite void, if you will.
COLOR: Fair enough, Tom. Looks like Earle is up for the snap on our next play, third down.
PLAY-BY-PLAY: Yes, the Detroit Lions are going all out with this one. They’ve got Earle with Tennison on his right, but the Chicago Bears are countering with Masterson in the center. They both want this bad.
COLOR: Yes, it’s a knock-down, drag-out fight this one, because the loser in this case will be at the very bottom of the NFL rankings not only for this season but for all time. Statistically speaking a very tough black mark to shake, and neither the Lions nor the Bears want to replace the 1924 Birmingham Klansmen in the NFL museum’s “Hall of Shame” for worst record in the history of the sport since organized competition began on November 6, 1869.
PLAY-BY-PLAY: There’s the snap, and…it’s bad! The Lions fumble, and the Bears’ Masterson has got the ball! He’s…yes, he’s out and clear, on the Lions’ thirty and closing in on a touchdown!
COLOR: Not looking good for Detroit and the Lions, Tom. Given the staggering incompetence demonstrated by both teams at the sport in general and this game in particular, it’s unlikely that the Motor City will be able to recover. This will be yet another tough body blow for a city currently suffering from bankruptcy, organized and disorganized crime, corruption on a biblical scale, and relentless nightly assaults by zombies who cannot be killed as they are on the city’s payroll and vote regularly for alderman thanks to a legal loophole.
PLAY-BY-PLAY: Masterson’s on the twenty, on the ten…Masterson is down! Yes, Masterson is down just short of the Lions’ endzone! A player wearing a grey uniform, no pads, and a ballcap has appeared on the field, and…yes, he put Masterson down using what appears to be a baseball bat!
COLOR: That’s right, Tom. Dozens of players, all armed with bats, are surging onto the field from the Detroit locker room. From the stylized “D” on their caps and the leaping orange felid on their jerseys, I can only assume…yes, we’re getting confirmation from the field! The Detroit Tigers have joined the game on the side of the Lions, and it has degenerated into a general melee!
PLAY-BY-PLAY: Yes, Carl, the Bears that were guarding Masterson have themselves been pummeled into submission, their pads, helmets, and indeed cups being no match for skillfully wielded aluminum bats in the hands of anabolic-steroid-blasting meatslabs. The Tigers are forming up, and…yes, they have just awkwardly punted the ball back to the Lions with those selfsame bats. Carl, your thoughts on this sudden and almost certainly illegal play?
COLOR: Nothing against it in the rules, Tom, and I know those backwards and forwards as they’re the only reading material we’re allowed during the 27 hours of pregame coverage. It looks like the Detroit Tigers have come to the aid of their fellow Motor City players, being as upset at the idea of having a worst-ever team in their city as anyone. And, being no good at baseball, they seem to have found their niche–the Tigers, for those who only pay attention to good teams, being in little danger of slipping to historic last place themselves thanks to the continued existence of the Chicago Cubs.
PLAY-BY-PLAY: The Bears are fighting back as best they can, Carl, even emptying their benches, but with the Cubs nowhere in sight, they are being massacred, literally and figuratively, by the combined Lion/Tiger assault. The refs are not stopping this, Carl, they are not stopping this. The Detroit ref has actually joined the assault–that’s him strangling Zaford with his whistle–and it appears that the Chicago ref has fled the field out of fear for his personal safety. It’s a confused melee out there, but one definitely trending in the direction of the Chicago endzone and eternal infamy for all participants in this debacle, surely the death knell of professional sports in every city and franchise involved. Carl, your thoughts?
COLOR: Lions, Tigers, and Bears, oh my.
Check out this month’s other bloggers, all of whom have posted or will post their own responses:
Ralph Pines
ishtar’sgate
skunkmelon
pyrosama
julzperri
Angyl78
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 
October 2, 2013 at 11:05 pm
I have to admit I’m not a big sport fan. I’m also from Aus so I didn’t quite get a lot of the references (which is obviously just a cultural difference) that being said, I did enjoy the paragraph where Color when into how much Detroit was suffering in other ways and that this was just one more blow. I also didn’t understand the color/play-by-play characters. Are they commentators?
I feel really unqualified to crit on this at all but I did like the playful voice of the two of them 😛
October 2, 2013 at 11:26 pm
Heh, I don’t know much about sports either, so most of the terminology in the piece is made up anyway 🙂 Color and play-by-play are the way many American sports commentary teams are broken up, one to tell you about what’s happening and the other to give it context (or “color”).
I do appreciate the perspective, though. I’m sure if you were writing about a mashup of cricket and Australian Rules Football, I’d be just as lost!
October 9, 2013 at 2:07 pm
Hey guys, yeah. In the states, there will be one announcer whose job it is to specifically tell you what’s happening. “Bob gives Bill the Ball. Bill falls down. Play over.” That’s the play-by-play announcer.
Color is the guy who adds “flavor” to the broadcast. He’s going to fill times when nothing’s happening on field with anecdotes about the players, minor analysis of the play, why it failed or succeeded — often he’s the guy who’s going to read the on-air advertisements today too. “And John goes down like a sack of bricks. Speaking of bricks, fans. Did you know that Lowes Home Improvement is having a sale on bricks this weekend?”
Great Job, Orion. I would have LOVED to have seen this game!!!!
October 2, 2013 at 11:37 pm
Funnee! And in the background as I sit at the computer hubby is watching a football game. If it was as interesting as yours I might be watching too.:)
October 3, 2013 at 7:31 am
HAHAHHAHAHA!! I read the whole thing with Howard Cosell’s voice in my head. 😀
Very funny piece. I’m not a fan of Detroit’s dirty politics either. lol
October 3, 2013 at 3:01 pm
Nice work figuring out how to get all three animals in there! I’ve been trying to get inspired and …well, no luck so far. I thought the tone was very funny and reminded me of something I wrote long ago with Bill and Bob as the commentators. For someone who doesn’t know much about sports, well, you could have fooled me! Good job. 🙂
October 9, 2013 at 2:30 pm
Oh my gosh! This totally cracked me up (while at work, no less). I love where you took this prompt.
This was my favorite line–“relentless nightly assaults by zombies who cannot be killed as they are on the city’s payroll and vote regularly for alderman thanks to a legal loophole.”
October 9, 2013 at 11:13 pm
Lots of humorous touches in there – zombies, steroid using baseball players. Well done.