The master Druggists at The Swindley & Co Apothecarium, makers of such fine Products as Phoenix Feather Phlogiston Fixitive & Wyrmscale Worm Whackers bring you & Yours a delectable new Patent Medicine: Horace Swindley’s Unicorn Droppings.
Made from the Whole & Unadulterated droppings of our herd of tame Unicorns, & hand-harvested by Virgins under exclusive contract to The Swindley & Co Apothecarium, Horace Swindley’s Unicorn Droppings are a Delectable Fancy like unto Candy that may also be used for the Treatment of various & sundry Ailments.
To Those who Say that consuming the Droppings of any Animal is distasteful, we Remind you that Unicorns subsist solely on Rainbows & Light, with occasional Binges of Children’s Laughter & Sparkles. Therefore, those selfsame Ingredients are the only Items present in Horace Swindley’s Unicorn Droppings save for a Gelatin covering to help them go Down smoothly & etc.
In addition to their fine Taste, suitable as a Candy for the Fancy of Children & Ladies as well as the more Discerning Dandified Gentlemen, Horace Swindley’s Unicorn Droppings offer the following Proven & Patented health Benefits:
-First and Foremost, soothes Coughs, Colds, Hoarseness, and all Afflictions of the Lungs
-Cures all known Diseases & all Unknown ones
-Prolongs Life, even should the Imbiber be near Death
-Promotes a Shiny & Full-Of-Volume appearance in the Hair
-Restores, improves, & promotes Carnal potency, even in Welshmen
-Leaves one’s Breath a most pleasing Odor & fights against Decay of Teeth
In accordance with The Swindley & Co Apothecarium’s stance toward Honesty, & in full Compliance with a ruling from the duly appointed Courts of the Land, The Swindley & Co Apothecarium also offers a full Reckoning of these Minor & Infrequent Side Effects:
-Very occasional Whitening of the Hair (but who does not enjoy such as a Mark of Experience & Respect?)
-Rare but sometimes noteworthy Cravings for Rainbow & Sunshine as Sustenance to the detriment of Weight & Health (but is not excess Weight a thing to be Avoided?)
-Incidental Headaches leading to the Uncommon emergence of a small Horn on the Forehead (but as such Horns are panaceas, is this not but good Fortune in Disguise?)
-Once in a great While, particularly eager Imbibers may Experience an Increase rather than a Decrease in Horseness, by which we Mean full Assumption of a Unicorn’s total Form (but is this not a true Opportunity, as one may sell one’s own Droppings & Blood for Profit, & none are better at the art of attracting Virgins?)
Pick up a special Baker’s Dozen Box of Horace Swindley’s Unicorn Droppings from The Swindley & Co Apothecarium today! On sale wherever fine Patent Medicines, Salves, & Ointments are sold. Look for our Advertisement in Hoe & Plow Monthly for a Halfpenny’s discount when buying 5 Cases or more!
This post incorporates a modified version of this public domain 1853 advertisement from the Library of Congress.