DATELINE – BOMBAY

In a major announcement today, Tata Motors Limited unveiled a new vehicle in its captive Land Rover line of overpriced and mechanically unreliable British oil leakage machines: the all-new 2015 Gland Rover.

“It’s long been an established fact in the industry that Land Rover is a prestige brand, acquired at great cost by wealthy parents for their spoiled college-age children despite being a poor value and continuing the proud British Leyland tradition of being absolute rubbish under the hood,” said TML president and CEO Ib Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta. “In practice, this has led to the unofficial use of the Land Rover as a status symbol and sign of a young, spoiled child’s suitability as a mate for other young, spoiled children. Much like a peacock’s tail, Land Rovers are so terrible that any family able to support their purchase and maintenance is rendered fitter thereby.”

“As such,” continued Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta, “we at TML have decided to own this with the Gland Rover. It is twice as expensive, twice as unwieldy, and twice as terrible under the hood as the existing Land Rover–a clear indication of the supreme fitness for mating of anyone driving it. And since we recognize both sides of the equation, we have also equipped the 2015 Gland Rover with functioning, lab-grown human endocrine glands that emit actual pheromones, proven by science to attract the opposite sex in some cases.”

The 2015 Gland Rover will be available in three versions: one with male glands, one with female glands, and a deluxe edition with both. Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta confirmed that kits will be available to convert or add additional glands as appropriate, or even to grow one’s own. Prices are set to begin at “excessive” for the basic model and will range all the way up to “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.” Asked if a right-hand drive version will be available, Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta replied in the negative: “Our core market is for American, European, Arab, and Russian teens,” he said. “There simply aren’t enough rich young spoiled scions of politics and industry in right-hand drive countries to make the investment worth our while.” He did confirm, though, that agreements had been struck with specialized coachbuilders for conversions in case there was unexpected demand.

The new Gland Rover goes on sale Wednesday, October 21, 2015.

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