Here’s a handy-dandy list of flight formations for your next trip to the airport. What’s that, you say? You’re not a pilot? Who said anything about flying a plane? These are formations for walking through the airport terminal, time-tested and fully approved for causing heartache, ulcers, and sky rage among your fellow passengers.

The Phalanx
Do you have a group of 4-8 people? Are some or all of you elderly shufflers? Are you all going to the same gate? Then the Phalanx is the flight pattern for you. Who has the neck muscles to look over your shoulder and talk when you could just stretch out across the entire corridor? Like Alexander of Macedon, your enemies will be swept from the field on the points of your spears or forced to march, subservient, behind you.

The Serpentine
You don’t like people passing you, on the highway or in the airport corridor, and you’re not afraid to show it or get creative in the pursuit of keeping ahead. In a car you might change lanes constantly to head off speed demons who want to go faster than 65, but in an airport you have to resort to cunning and sudden changes of direction. If they never know where you’re going next, they can’t get around you.

The Brood
Why inconvenience others when you can rely on others to do the work for you? No one will be as aggressive in getting around small children, so just let yours completely off the leash. Let them run shrieking in every direction, blocking traffic and making you block traffic. If they are snatched by a barghest, who cares? You can always make more.

The Tortoise
Slow and steady wins the race. Go at your own pace, plant yourself in the middle of the airport corridor, and watch people trip over themselves, and each other, trying to get around you. Bonus points for the Tortoise formation when one part of the corridor is congested by a departing flight, forcing the entire two-way flow of the concourse behind your pokey plastron.

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