While known as a great philosopher, mathematician, and thinker, the ancient Greek sage Zeno was also a master of the most ancient varieties of funk and soul, winning the Dionysian Funk-Off in Athens from 439 BC until 430 BC, inclusive. Despite his success, the philosopher regarded funk as an infinite horizon, and famously proposed what are now known as Zeno’s Paradoxes of Funkiness to bedevil generations of those looking to get funky.

1. The Paradox of Isaac Hayes and Jimmy Carter
The funkiest man ever to live, Isaac Hayes, and the least funky, Jimmy Carter, agreed to hold a funk-off to settle a matter of honor. Hayes, recognizing his unfair advantage, allowed Carter a head-start before getting funky himself. However, when Hayes had begun and reached Carter’s level of funkiness, Carter had moved on, if only slightly. When Hayes reached the new funk level, because of Carter’s head start, he had moved on by and even slighter distance. Zeno holds that it is impossible for Hayes’ funk to catch up to Carter’s.

2. The Paradox of Quincy Jones’ Funk-Up
Quincy Jones, one of the funkiest funkers ever to funk, began funking with an eye toward reaching maximum funk. However, before reaching maximum funk, he had to reach half-funk. But to reach half-funk, he had to make it to quarter-funk. And in order to achieve quarter-funk, it was necessary to reach 1/8 funk. Zeno holds that since there are an infinite number of funk points between zero funk and maximum funk, it is impossible for Quincy Jones or anyone else to reach maximum funk or, indeed, to accumulate any funk at all.

3. The Paradox of Grand Funk Railroad
At any one point in time, Grand Funk Railroad is neither becoming funkier, nor becoming less funky; for that instant, its funk is fixed. It cannot become more funky since because no time elapses for it to funk up, and it cannot become less funky because it has already gained funk. Zeno holds that since gaining or losing funk is impossible at any one instant in time, and time is composed of an infinite number of instants, it is impossible to generate any funk at all.

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