It’s been quite a 2015! The Hopewell Democrat-Tribune is pleased to reflect upon some of the highlights, as reported in these pages over the past 365 days:
Chicago Cubs Win The World Series Over Miami Marlins
Hopewell residents were stunned at the news, as local hometown hero LeDemetri Washington was playing as Miami’s second baseman. Following his career with Southern Michigan University and the minor-league Grand Rapids White Caps, many had expected a World Series win to cement Washington’s bid for the 2015 MVP. Sadly, the Cubs’ sweep of the series meant that honor was reserved for Chicago pitcher Brett Newmom. Speaking on condition of anonymity, bookmakers at the Gliding Eagle Casino report that the few local bets made for the Cubs to win reaped significant dividends.
Billionaire Michael Drucker’s Death Leads to Bankruptcy of Replacement Technologies
The technology world was shaken by the death in May of billionaire Michael Drucker, the former manager of Apple’s Biologics division and close associate of the late Steve Jobs. The company was hit hard by the reveltation, confirmed by forensic analysis, that Drucker had been illegally cloning human beings in flagrant violation of the Biological Ethics Act 856 USC 2005 § 2 (commonly known as the “Sixth Day Law”). The resulting bankruptcy and dismemberment of Replacement Technologies and its holdings led to significant hardship in and around Hopewell as the Aspen Mall RePet was forced to close. Led by the local ASPCA chapter, all incomplete cloned pets that were outstanding at the time of the bankruptcy were given to forever homes.
Hopewell Mecha Crew Instrumental in NERV Defeat of Nineteenth Angel
Readers are quite familiar with the continued assaults on the population of the Earth by beings known as Angels resulting from the crippling Second Impact in 2005. Hopewell citizens were delighted to learn that Hopewell High School student Mitchell Baker (HHS Class of ’99) was instrumental in the annihilation of “Metatron,” the Nineteenth Angel, over Tunguska in Russian Siberia. Baker, remembered by peers as a mechanical prodigy, piloted one of the flotilla of support vehicles neccessary for fielding the massive Evangelion-class armored mechas needed to defeat Angels. An official NERV press release credits Baker’s swift refueling of EV-014 with helping to turn the tide against the massive alien organism, and he was posthumously awarded the key to the city.
Queen Diana’s First Visit to the USA An Odyssey for Hopewell Native
Starting on September 22, 2015, the Democrat-Tribune was given unprecedented access to Mary Winemann, the personal chauffer assigned to Queen Diana during her first visit to the USA since her acession in 2012. Winemann met the Queen in D.C. at Joint Base Andrews at 4 p.m., driving her and her consort Prince Al-Fayed to an official White House Welcoming Ceremony and personal meeting with President Barack Obama followed by a parade along the Ellipse and the National Mall and a speech to a Joint Session of Congress. Ms. Winemann, a gradute of Southern Michigan University and University Montessori, so impressed the Queen that she was retained as driver for the remainder of the official visit, from the United Nations General Assembly and motorcade through Central Park in New York to the Independence Mall in Philiadelphia. “She’s a lovely person,” said Ms. Winemann. “All the rumors about her husband’s death and her ascension to queen regnant from queen consort are totally baseless slander.”
Horror in Chicago Five Years After the Battle of Chicago Turned Back Alien Invasion
As anyone visiting the memorial in Veterans Park is aware, five servicemen from Hopewell were killed in the 2010 Battle of Chicago, in which an alien invasion of extraterrestrial robots was decisively turned back at great human cost. When alien robot violence re-erupted in Chicago this year, the Democrat-Tribune interviewed Hopewell native Moammar al-Fatima (HHS Class of ’02) about the experience. “It was insane,” Mr. al-Fatima said in an exclusive interview. “You see the photographs and read the news stories, but until you see a semi truck transform into a robot that skates through a crowded street firing a plasma cannon, you don’t completely grasp it. Every time it missed a shot, somebody was reduced to cinders.” Find Mr. al-Fatima’s photographs of the encounter and his Michigan Broadcasting Association Award-winning snapshot of an alien robot riding an alien robot dinosaur in our online archive.
Norsefire Party Sweeps UK Parliamentary Elections; Adam Sutler Installed as Prime Minister
As a result of economic chaos and an increased terrorist threat, the new Norsefire Party was able to sweep aside Labor, the Conservatives, and the Liberal Democrats to earn a dominant majority of seats. The party, which had polled under 1% in the parliamantery election of 2010, was asked to form a government by Queen Diana the following day with its leader, former Under-Secretary of Defense Adam Sutler, installed as Prime Minister. The Democrat-Tribune spoke with Hopewell students studying in the UK about what the new Norsefire government means for them and for the nation. “I don’t think anything will change, really,” said Sadie Cunningham, currently reading law at Oxford as part of the Scholars Abroad program. “Sure, Norsefire and Sutler said a lot of crazy things during the election, but they have to work within the system now, and with the opposition. They’ll get their rough edges filed off and probably lose the next election, just you wait and see.”