Loewatt Royalty

The cavernous Loewatt Royalty is the official conference headquarters and the largest indoor space in the state, with 3 stories worh of height in a one-story conference hall layout. Ice-cold AC ensures the space maintains a robust 45-degree temperature at the cost of only one rainforest per day. The Loewatt’s crack conference committee will ensure that simple committee meetings are given cyclopean chambers while packed sessions are relegated to tiny conference rooms with single tables.


Hilgram Resort

Inspired by the timeless design of the Labyrinth of Crete, the Hilgram offers a stunning European-style non-Euclidean layout with American-style gigantic interiors and conspicuous wastes of resources. Marvel at the multiple levels, multiple escalators, multiple glass walls, and multiple entrances and exits that make any simple trip across the building into an exciting odyssey! Shuttles to the conference center depart every 15 minutes from the auxiliary shuttles-only entrance down the escalator (but not THAT escalator!).


Tulipp Tower Centre

This stunning 25-story tower is so tall and so prominent that local zoning laws were changed to prevent anything like it from ever being built again. A deluxe onsite pool and bar are available for a nominal $25 cover charge, and access to the penthouse party suites on floors 24 and 25 is available following a credit check and blood drawing. Admire the many grandfathered-in building code violations that allow you to hear your downstairs neighbors watching TV and your upstairs neighbors making whoopee at no extra charge!


Soberatt Sunshine State

This chain hotel attempts an upsell with gated valet parking, an in-house Denny’s, and 1-hour walks along treeless boulevards to convention centers and major attractions (expect to walk in the street at times). Enjoy paying for the parking that so many Soberatt hotels offer for free that serial killer routinely dispose of cars at them, as well as $20 Denny’s up-and-at-’em breakfasts of the sort that most hotels give away.


La Niña Inn

A Spanish-language name translates into a mildly racist assumption of major value in this attractive motor lodge with authentic adobe roof tile handmade in Ciudad Juarez. Experience true pampering with the Continental Antarctica breakfast of a fridge full of cold milk and cold cereal. Enjoy 24/7 unsecured pool access as long as the neighborhood kids aren’t in there. Despite rates that are competitive with the majors above, expect free wireless and HBO that other hotels charge for.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
Advertisements