The frequency of colors in factory-fresh M&Ms is as follows!

20% Blue

Blue is the most recent addition to the stable, having been added after a vote in 1995 in which it crushed pink and purple by double digits. It took the place of tan, whose essence it ingested.

20% Orange

Added in 1976 to replace red, orange is the newest color that did not require the permanent death of another to give it life. Its composition was changed in 1981 after the species of taro root used to color it went extinct.

15% Green

Green has been with M&Ms since the beginning, but is currently the least popular color. Powerful forces within the company have already begun to agitate for its replacement with a “young, hip” color like mustard or marsala.

14% Brown

Staid, boring brown is the same on the outside as it is on the inside. Can you say the same of yourself? Can anyone? Brown has managed to endure despite being thought a fool and a pushover, and those who question its relevence are seldom seen again.

14% Yellow

All M&Ms have the same flavor, but some have described yellow as “lemon flavored” like a Skittle. This is grave misinformation, and an unforgivable slight. Do not wonder when those who speak such lies are found with every orifice choked by hard yellow candies; instead, vow to let their mistake be your education.

13% Red

A scare over the dyes used to create red M&Ms led to their removal from bags nationwide for a time, from 1976 to 1987, but now they’re back. Only those closest to the candy recognize that something is subtly different, subtly hollow, and that the candy they lost and got back again may in fact truly be dead.

3% Violet

Violet was an original color introduced in 1941. Officially discontinued in 1954, purple remains and can be found by those that know where to look. Violet’s ambitions to return thrwarted in 1995, purple nevertheless will continue to be made even though the machine has been turned off and padlocked. Violet will not be denied.

2% Pink

There are those who say pink M&Ms never existed. There are those why say you never existed. People who have never seen one have dreamed of pink M&Ms; who who has never seen you, never met you, has done the same?

1% Grey

Supposedly a production error, these colorless candies are prized delicacies. For many years, it was possible to bring one to the great monestary of Hazin Gudo to recieve enlightment, but the quote has been filled. One day, grey M&Ms will shake the universe to its foundations.

.01% Indigo

The color of the earth before time was time, the color of the skies before they were differentiated from the earth. .01% of everything that exists is indigo, and M&Ms are no exception.

.001% White

It is blinding. A truth you cannot comprehend. Is it a white M&M, or is it a color you can’t concieve because you lack the eyes for it? Yes. Yes.

.0001% Black

A singularity. It devours light, devours hope. The end, our end, wrapped in a candy shell. The few who have seen, the even fewer who have eaten…they are the only ones who come close to understanding. To eat the black M&M is to eat the universe in which you are contained, to tumble headfirst into neverending quantum night. Death before this. Death and chocolate.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!