June had thought it was a slam-dunk: pizza and a full wet bar. People loved pizza, people loved booze, and tipsy tips were legendarily good.

Six months later, June was having second thoughts. Or, rather, her fourth set of second thoughts, which would make them eighth thoughts or somesuch. To wit, she had not considered the following points when founding Hops ‘n’ Toppings:

1. Pizza takes time to cook and most drunks are hungry NOW.
2. Liquor licences in Tecumseh County involved bribery on a biblical scale.
3. Pizza makes the worst vomit imaginable.
4. A bar can be comfortably run with 1-2 people. A pizza parlor, even one that doesn’t deliver, will run 1-2 people ragged.
5. Cheap beer has low profit margins.
6. PIZZA MAKES THE WORST VOMIT IMAGINABLE OH MY GOD

Sitting at the bar around 3pm, wiping off the last flecks of what had once been a pepperoni and anchovy medium before its liquefaction and distribution the night before, June heard the last thing she’d wanted to hear.

“Yo! We’re out of sauce and cheese!”

“We’ve got plenty of sauce,” said June, pouring herself a shot of Loch Lomond. “Just not that kind that goes good with pizza.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
Advertisements