Benedict Arnold’s Grocery invites you to BETRAY HIGH PRICES and SURRENDER WEST POINT TO ETHICALLY SOURCED, GMO- AND GLUTEN FREE PRODUCE!
As the premier source of food for ethics-conscious customers, Benedict Arnold’s prides itself on having more varieties of fresh, dirt-caked veggies and artisan, spoiled cheeses than anyone else! It is also the only chain grocery in America with an entire aisle devoted to kale, and the meat (albeit free-range and GMO-free) is segregated to a red-painted corner called “The Murderhouse.”
When it comes to banning certain ingredients, Benedict Arnold’s leads the nation, and its major competitors such as Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. Corn syrup of any kind is not allowed, even for cooking purposes. Processed sugars result in security guards being called. Trans-fats are allowed, but only if they originally identified as vegetable oils.
All employees of Benedict Arnold’s dress in period-accurate British infantry uniforms and are fully-vested shareholders in the company, each earning 1¢ per hour toward a retirement fund in the company’s name. A 25% surcharge to customers and employees helps Benedict Arnold’s support charities worldwide, from the Freedom for Peruvian Cavies Freedom Fighters to the People’s Front of Zaire to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.