Speaking to reporters from the Blight House, President Brayne issued the following statement:

“We will not condone such disgusting attacks, and indeed condemn them in the strongest possible terms. Zombies are widely known as undead of peace, and the actions of a few brain-hungry fanatics must not taint that. We must not allow zombies to be tainted by Brainist extremism.”

In a gesture of solidarity, Vice President Sarah Bellum visited the aftermath of the attack, shaking hands with survivors and pledging the use of zombie funds to rebuild the Johns Hopkins Brain Science institute “better and juicier than ever.”

At press time, the Blight House press secretary identified the attackers as M. Dulla O’Blongata and C. Ree Brum, also known by their Brainist names of John Brain Smith and Braaaaaains Brains Brains. The press secretary noted that O’Blongata and Brum had apparently become self-radicalized Brainists through the internet.

Asked about the claim of responsibility from the Brainist Nation of Braaaaaaaaaaaains (BNB), the press secretary responded that they were “BSBB sympathizers,” using an alternate name for the organization (the “Brainist State for Brains and Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains”).

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
Advertisements