This post is part of the November 2013 Blog Chain at Absolute Write. This month’s prompt is “Unicorn droppings.”
The master Druggists at The Swindley & Co Apothecarium, makers of such fine Products as Phoenix Feather Phlogiston Fixitive & Wyrmscale Worm Whackers bring you & Yours a delectable new Patent Medicine: Horace Swindley’s Unicorn Droppings.
Made from the Whole & Unadulterated droppings of our herd of tame Unicorns, & hand-harvested by Virgins under exclusive contract to The Swindley & Co Apothecarium, Horace Swindley’s Unicorn Droppings are a Delectable Fancy like unto Candy that may also be used for the Treatment of various & sundry Ailments.
To Those who Say that consuming the Droppings of any Animal is distasteful, we Remind you that Unicorns subsist solely on Rainbows & Light, with occasional Binges of Children’s Laughter & Sparkles. Therefore, those selfsame Ingredients are the only Items present in Horace Swindley’s Unicorn Droppings save for a Gelatin covering to help them go Down smoothly & etc.
In addition to their fine Taste, suitable as a Candy for the Fancy of Children & Ladies as well as the more Discerning Dandified Gentlemen, Horace Swindley’s Unicorn Droppings offer the following Proven & Patented health Benefits:
-First and Foremost, soothes Coughs, Colds, Hoarseness, and all Afflictions of the Lungs
-Cures all known Diseases & all Unknown ones
-Prolongs Life, even should the Imbiber be near Death
-Promotes a Shiny & Full-Of-Volume appearance in the Hair
-Restores, improves, & promotes Carnal potency, even in Welshmen
-Leaves one’s Breath a most pleasing Odor & fights against Decay of Teeth
In accordance with The Swindley & Co Apothecarium’s stance toward Honesty, & in full Compliance with a ruling from the duly appointed Courts of the Land, The Swindley & Co Apothecarium also offers a full Reckoning of these Minor & Infrequent Side Effects:
-Very occasional Whitening of the Hair (but who does not enjoy such as a Mark of Experience & Respect?)
-Rare but sometimes noteworthy Cravings for Rainbow & Sunshine as Sustenance to the detriment of Weight & Health (but is not excess Weight a thing to be Avoided?)
-Incidental Headaches leading to the Uncommon emergence of a small Horn on the Forehead (but as such Horns are panaceas, is this not but good Fortune in Disguise?)
-Once in a great While, particularly eager Imbibers may Experience an Increase rather than a Decrease in Horseness, by which we Mean full Assumption of a Unicorn’s total Form (but is this not a true Opportunity, as one may sell one’s own Droppings & Blood for Profit, & none are better at the art of attracting Virgins?)
Pick up a special Baker’s Dozen Box of Horace Swindley’s Unicorn Droppings from The Swindley & Co Apothecarium today! On sale wherever fine Patent Medicines, Salves, & Ointments are sold. Look for our Advertisement in Hoe & Plow Monthly for a Halfpenny’s discount when buying 5 Cases or more!
This post incorporates a modified version of this public domain 1853 advertisement from the Library of Congress.
Check out this month’s other bloggers, all of whom have posted or will post their own responses:
ishtar’sgate
sweetwheat
skunkmelons
BBBurke
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 
November 4, 2013 at 1:33 pm
You had me at unicorn. 🙂
November 5, 2013 at 10:59 am
Totally cracked me up. Absolutely loved the positive spin on side effects. You’d think drug companies would catch on to that. After they’ve given us the litany of possible side effects so alarming one would have to be bonkers to buy their drugs, they expect us to be clamoring for them. Of course they are recited in a pleasant and soothing voice but I’ll take unicorn droppings any day!
November 5, 2013 at 5:05 pm
Definitely had the feel and look of an old time bill of sale – but all that capitalization must have been a pain. And I especially like the side effects.
November 6, 2013 at 11:17 am
The Capitalization was not actually that much of a Bother. When you are a former Literature Major such as Myself, you have to read a lot of Bothersomely Capitalized Works from the Eighteenth Century and get to learn their Cadence even as you curse the Authors and the Language for having more Capitals than a Greek Temple.
November 5, 2013 at 9:43 pm
I liked the feel of this and think it would fit in quite well with the other bits and bobs found in old timey apothecary displays, by George. The capitalization surely was a pain in the patookis as Blair said but it leant an air of authenticity. (Those drug commercials creep me out. This is definitely an improvement!)
November 6, 2013 at 11:18 am
Modern drug commercials are just the latest iteration in the eternal war between industry and regulation 🙂
November 14, 2013 at 8:16 pm
Love it! Definitely a cleverer way of making the prompt work this month.