The Deerton School District is committed to a safe and healthful environment for all of its students. We therefore must reluctantly take the following action as a result of the unfortunate events that happened last week.

As such, all garlic is hereby banned from lunches brought from home, effective immediately.

The number of students in the DSD who are vampires has been growing, and their intense allergy to garlic makes an unsafe learning environment for them. Even a student who has handled garlic and gives one of our vampire students a hug or a kiss can cause an allergic reaction, and the school nurse may not be able to get there with an epi-pen before the child melts into a puddle of slurry.

After the unfortunate incident last week, we feel that this rule is the only way to prevent another such tragedy. We at DSD know that there are many garlic lovers among our populace, but we hope that this will be seen as an unfortunate necessity.

In addition, we regret to inform our Catholic students that holy water for the purposes of baptism and ablution is also hereby banned for the same reason, and effective immediately, wood shop classes are suspended. These measures are in response to various incidents of our vampure students being staked and scarred, and are also an unfortunate necessity.

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