Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Count von Blüdferatu had fallen somewhat from the 1300s when he had a Carpathian empire at his command, but he was doing all right for himself.

Living as an undercover vampire in a lovely flat.

It wasn’t glamorous, but it could be worse. Count von Blüdferatu could have suffered the fate of his cousin the Marquis de Suek–staked–or his old friend Baron Saugerblüd–head cut off with a silver sickle and stuffed with wolfsbane. Compared to that, living in a comfortable apartment and going out every other full moon to feed could have been a lot worse.

In order to keep up the facade of not drinking blood with a little lymph to taste, Count von Blüdferatu dropped in on his neighbors from time to time after sunset. He never fed on them, and in fact he counted on them to be his alibis.

This evening, he dropped in on the swarthy Italian who was cleaning out the old crêpe shop that had gone out of business after the Saudis flooded the market with cronuts in ’12.

“Greetings, friend,” said Count von Blüdferatu. “What sort of shop do yo plan to open here?”

“Oh, it’s an idea I’ve had forever now,” said the Italian brightly, “a bakery specializing in garlic bread!”

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NOTICE

The Deerton School District is committed to a safe and healthful environment for all of its students. We therefore must reluctantly take the following action as a result of the unfortunate events that happened last week.

As such, all garlic is hereby banned from lunches brought from home, effective immediately.

The number of students in the DSD who are vampires has been growing, and their intense allergy to garlic makes an unsafe learning environment for them. Even a student who has handled garlic and gives one of our vampire students a hug or a kiss can cause an allergic reaction, and the school nurse may not be able to get there with an epi-pen before the child melts into a puddle of slurry.

After the unfortunate incident last week, we feel that this rule is the only way to prevent another such tragedy. We at DSD know that there are many garlic lovers among our populace, but we hope that this will be seen as an unfortunate necessity.

In addition, we regret to inform our Catholic students that holy water for the purposes of baptism and ablution is also hereby banned for the same reason, and effective immediately, wood shop classes are suspended. These measures are in response to various incidents of our vampure students being staked and scarred, and are also an unfortunate necessity.

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“Well, my friends, we have put our latest vintage through the usual tests: color, swirl, smell, taste, and savor. As per the tradition of the competition, you will all be provided with another glass and asked to render your judgement,” said Sommalier Quislyng.

The first judge, Graf von Blutmord, sipped daintily at the crimson liquid in his glass. “It has a fine bouquet. Woody, complex, and round with a hint of basil and nuances of toast. I would surmise it’s a vintage Hungarian AB-positive from a 35-year-old female in the Budapest area.”

“I hate to differ with you,” said Earl Vätskasuga, the second judge, as he dabbled his fangs in gently swirled liquid. “While I agree in the fineness of bouquet, I find it has much more a delicate coconut flavor, and a sinful sushi essence with velvet overtones. A young and prime B-negative male from the Pyrenees, most likely Andorra. I do so enjoy these Andorran boutiques.”

Countess du Nălucăamor made a derisive sound and took in her entire goblet in a single suck. “You’re both naive old fools. It’s a raw vintage from the parts of Romania where there’s still a taster in every village and the old ways have been refined for a new century. Intoxicating gingerbread essences, a bouquet of passionate molasses, and a caramelized chocolate perfume undercurrent. It’s an A-positive from the Sighişoara region, I’m sure of it.”

“Well, now that you’ve all rendered your verdicts, allow me to reveal the truth,” said Sommalier Quislyng. He pulled the velvet covering from the bottle on a refrigerated and gently vibrating pedestal to reveal…幸运的777快乐的猫血, a Chinese O-positive vintage from Guangzhou commonly disparaged as a cheap garbage brand in connoisseur circles.

“Impossible!” cried Graf von Blutmord.

“Ridiculous!” shouted Earl Vätskasuga.

“Treachery!” roared Countess du Nălucăamor.

Their verdicts praising the cheap 幸运的777快乐的猫血 vintage have been known ever since as the “Judgement of Chateau Bloodtooth” and remain controversial to this day.

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