The ride had lasted nearly ten hours, with the last five spent under a black hood. Academy Award winning actress Ann Pense had won plaudits for her portrayal of a mentally handicapped, wheelchair-bound serial killer in 1944 Warsaw. But The Rusty Wheel was nothing compared to her most demanding role so far: interviewing one of the world’s most notorious fugitives and monsters.

After seeing nothing but the straws her escorts had shoved into the hood to allowe her to sip vegan gluten-free smoothies, Ann found herself seated in a padded chair. The hood was whisked off, and she found herself face to face with her quarry.

“Well, Ms. Pense, here I am,” said Vampire Stalin, fangs glistening beneath his impressive mustache, dripping with the lifeblood of the proletariat. “What would you like to ask me about my unholy armies of the people?”

“There’s been a lot of misconceptions about your drive for equality and dignity through vampirism,” Ann began, drawing on the list of questions she had memorized earlier. “So let me ask you: are you a saint?”

Inspired by this.

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