Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Watch me fluff myself up
To do a mating dance
Twitch around to show my stuff
Just to have a chance

My mate and I might give you
A red-rimmed evil eye
We won’t bother raising kids, too
Just drop the eggs and say goodbye

What am I?

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Plenty of birds where I come from
Though there’s not so many of me
You’ve likely seen my flighted chums
Perched on pirates of high seas

Unlike them I cannot flutter
And I only stalk at night
You might hear the booms I utter
As I look for Mrs. Right

What am I?

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From a peaceful land I come
But no peaceful bird am I
Wings with sinister purpose drum
In formation across the sky

Don’t approach me near a riverbank
Harass my children if you dare
For I’m a dinosaur, to be frank
And I’ll bite you anywhere

What am I?

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If you only saw my dear wife
You’d never know what I am called
She has been spotty all her life
While I am most black and bold

I show a small patch of color
Right where my wing meets my back
It’s not visible on any other
So if you see it you’re on the right track

What am I?

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Unlike fishers you’ve seen before
My feathers aren’t all watertight
I have to dry them on the shore
If I ever want to take flight

Old men know me when I breed
Big white eyebrows displayed at the pond
It’s these that named me, yes indeed
Even though they’re not normally on

What am I?

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Pecking out a calf’s eyes
So to death I swiftly bring
Some are moved by its cries
But I like the veal thing

Before you call me heartless
A scavenger and worse
Remember that I love my kids
Even if their nest’s your hearse

What am I?

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A very rare bird soars before you
Perhaps the rarest of all
Titanic, majestic from every view
Perched up a long way to fall

You may see my cousins still circling
You may hear my recorded call
For my kind the reaper’s still waiting
But for now he doesn’t have us all

What am I?

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European Starling

A galaxy in feathers soars
Starlight in avian form
A harsh cry to make ears sore
Mobbed feeders look all forlorn

Hopping oceans makes my name
A bitter misnomer
Thriving from Oregon to Maine
You’ll hope I pass you over

What am I?

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Blackbird they call me
Though a crow I am not
White-ringed eyes see
What I glean from the plot

My head shines multicolor
In the right light
Some say that I pester
Some people are right

What am I?

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Parasite, they call me
A freeloader, by and by
Extra eggs in nests there’ll be
And my numbers fill the sky

No fancy song to sing on my own
No automatons with my call
A simple king on a bovine throne
No parents but child to all

What am I?

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