Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Ah, some
Comely were
To me from
Up here.
Yet a pox
On each if
They just
Have more and
Can be more.

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I ask so much.
Her end, then.
His end, done there.
For as they come,
So they goodbye.

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So it must be me.
Ed. Then it’s Ed.
Ed. That does it.
Come as I am.
As the wind, be.

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Avast ye!
We marry,
Me hearty!

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Escape fish.
Bottle lands.
Drown. Feed.
Ne’er I be.
Ye be? Aye.

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“The Zhü Kaz is not a hospitable place for a lady, even one so strong-willed as Dame Caryn Naughton,” said the guide.

“Nonsense,” I said. “There were ladies aplenty across the Pilecheza. We saw them in the streets of Lushutuma.”

“Those were Zhachupul women,” the guide said, spitting. “To call them women is to belittle the word. They are animals.”

“I feel you may be saying that as a Latum, rather than as a human being,” I said rather sourly. “The enmity between your people and the Zhachupul is well-known, even where I come from.”

“Is it now?” the guide sneered. “Well, then, what need have you of my services? Surely you can locate the missing Dame Naughton and her entire expedition.”

Inspired by this.

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Musket.
Prepare.
Fathom…?

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If you’re an FBI agent, you know how difficult long stakeouts can be. You’ve felt firsthand the hunger pangs and tasted the bitter dregs of lower-tier Chinese takeout. That’s why we started the FBI Stakehouse.

You’ll find a terrific assortment of char-broiled meats, confiscated from suspects and cooked on seized grills. We’ve recruited some of the best cooks from among our federal inmates and put them to work. With both dine-in and carryout options, we’re sure to make your next assignment far less unbearable. And since most of our overhead is contraband, we keep our costs low and pass the savings on to you!

So come on down to the FBI Stakehouse, located in the unmarked former municipal building on Washington Avenue East! You’ll never know we were there.

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ANNOUNCER: These are real people, not actors.

SALESMAN: What would you say if I told you that the 2019 Pontiac Sundog had won over 100 industry awards?

PERSON 1: Oh, wow, that’s a lot!

PERSON 2: Incredible!

GORAJ THE DESTROYER: I have taken every award from the peoples under my thrall, but that is a good start.

SALESMAN: The Sundog seats 8, with independent climate zones for each passenger. How’s that for comfort?

PERSON 1: 8 people? That’s a lot!

PERSON 2: I could fit my whole family in there. No more arguing about the AC!

GORAJ THE DESTROYER: My armada cruisers have only a single climate for my hundreds of thralls. The cost in environmental suits and inevitable casualties is…unfortunate. This is an improvement.

SALESMAN: So, what do you think of the all-new 2019 Pontiac Sundog?

PERSON 1: I love it!

PERSON 2: I’d get one.

GORAJ THE DESTROYER: The 2019 Pontiac Sundog gets seven thumbs up from Goraj the Destroyer. He will make it his victory chariot in the great war, the endwar, which will reduce this planet to cinders and its people to servitude. Only the 2019 Pontiac Sundog will survive the coming reaping unscarred.

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Library Fine Finesse
Steals 2d12 gold from anyone in line of sight that posesses a book or booklike object on their person. A DC 30 reflex save halves the theft.

Teleport Via Bookshelf (Interlibrary Loan Edition)
Caster may use a bookshelf to appear in any regionally affiliated library at will. At least 2d12 books must be present, catalogued, and shelved in both locations.

Papercut Anything
Inflicts 1 point per caster level of piercing bleeding damage on any finger or fingerlike object. Healing of any such wound takes 2d6 weeks. DC 30 Fortitude save halves damage. Usable once per week.

Advanced Word of Book Recall
Caster may summon a tome or tomelike object from anywhere–and anyone–in the world. Usable once per day. Items protected from scrying are not exempt. A held item may be prevented from summoning by a DC 30 Will save.

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