November 2018


“They say it protects them,” said Det. Kuzemchenko. He stabbed a smouldering butt into his ashtray for emphasis.

Sgt. Davis sipped incredulously at his cold coffee, the undissolved creamer gritting against his teeth. “Ridiculous. Those shambling corpses haven’t an ounce of self-awareness left.”

“They still say that this other undead protects them. Chases away folks out to burst braincases. It’s killed more than one of them, and it seems to have a lot more dexterity and skill than the others we’ve seen rising lately, especially with all the new wards.” Kuzemchenko tapped his computer screen. “We’ve got witnesses and statements.”

“So what’s that mean to you, then?” said Davis.

“I think we’ve got an undead vigilante on our hands. And I’m not quite sure what to do about it.”

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The Riddle Project believed that knowledge must be earned, but also believed that it must be preserved. The death of Sage Goris, the last being that knew the art of bibliomantica carceri, was their example. While the knowledge he possessed was priceless and was extinct upon his death, he has also used it selfishly and for ill ends.

Riddlemancers of the Riddle Project devoted themselves to preserving knowledge behind a series of riddles, puzzles, and other wards that would root out the unworthy. By the time someone had come to the wisdom needed to solve said conundrums, they would be worthy enough to wield it. Even allowing for dedicated students of evil, it was thought that theirs would at least be a subtle and long-gestating evil, the sort that builds empires, rather than the monomania that came so often with giving power to those with no experience of want.

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Member Seeking Group
Name:
Xela the Pusillanimous, chaotic neutral elf rogue

Age:
1,127

My self-summary:
I’m a free-spirited chaotic neutral elf-of-fortune who does whatever comes to her mind! I’m a crazy whirlwind of random destruction who just wants to watch the world burn, and I take my alignment VERY seriously!

What I’m doing with my life:
Taking time out from my busy day to rob, loot, steal, pillage, and burn because that’s what my character would do under those circumstances.

I’m really good at:
Robbing! I have a +10 bonus to stealth. Stabbing! I do 6d6 bonus backstabbery. Fire! I can cast one and only one low-level mage spell, Sparks!

The six things I could never do without:
-Fire
-PANTS
-Stealing
-Backstabbery
-PLASTIC BAG

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
NOTHING! I am SO random!

On a typical Friday night, I am:
Backstabbing a bartender for free drinks.


Member Seeking Group
Name:
Aquillarious, true neutral human sorcerer

Age: 25

My self-summary:
I am the long-lost heir to the kingdom of Zindak, seeking to reclaim my lost throne and my rightful place. I am also the descendant on my mother’s side of the Flametongue dragon clan, the youngest-ever leader of the Psyanyde Monks, and a noted teacher at the Pigrash Academy.

What I’m doing with my life:
I teach Spellcraft at Pigrash when I’m not caring for my magical menagerie of animal familiars wit stats who are all willing to die for me and also immortal. I also am on the lecture circuit.

I’m really good at:
Fighting, living, loving, heraldry, and magic. My natural magic bloodline is so strong that I was almost made the youngest-ever Headmaster of Pigrash Academy.

The six things I could never do without:
-My magical monkeys
-Teaching eager young minds how to be awesome
-My rockin’ pecs
-Not sleeping at all, ever
-Wenches in every town
-Nigh-invulnerability

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
How awesome I am

On a typical Friday night, I am:
Being awesome

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Group Seeking Member
Name:
Burnination Pals

Age:
18 months

Our self-summary:
Lumpy Wiggle-Axe, chaotic evil dwarf barbarian
Midnighty d’Ubreville, chaotic neutral tiefling sorceress
Lifty Lightfingers-McGee, chaotic good gnome bard
Fi’gr’in “Arrows” Da’an, chaotic stupid elf ranger

What we’re doing with our campaign:
Dying, mostly. WE NEED A HEALER! Somebody lawful, preferably lawful neutral, would also be nice to help keep the party’s pyromania in check. We’ve burned down 4 of the last 5 villages we’ve encountered.

We’re really good at:
Burning things, apparently. Stealing. Shooting things until they stop moving, sometimes enemies. Ignoring the DM’s carefully crafted campaign and focusing on random dirt clods for hours. Seduction.

The six things we could never do without:
-Fire
-Stabbing
-A HEALER FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY
-Fire again, somehow
-Stealing
-Seduction

We spend a lot of time thinking about:
Random details that started out as flavor text but MUST be important, so we will spend the next hour trying to steal/seduce/stab it, setting it on fire failing that.

On a typical Friday night, we are:
Fleeing hastily from a village we just “saved” from an orcish horde, hopefully before anyone smells the smoke.


Group Seeking Member
Name:
The Bloodening Rangers

Age:
2 months

Our self-summary:
St. Augusta Noblebosom, lawful good human paladin
Wayland O’Crien, lawful neutral dwarf cleric
Lygendir Arsestücken, neutral good elf wizard
Stabitha Skillmonkius, chaotic neutral halfling rogue

What we’re doing with our campaign:
Nothing, at the moment. We were taken prisoner after Paladin Noblebosom accidentally signed a contract exchanging us for hostages, and she has not allowed us to leave. RESCUE US!

We’re really good at:
Lawful stupid. Being imprisoned. Carving tally marks on the walls.

The six things we could never do without:
-Rescue
-A rescuer
-A DM who doesn’t paint themselves into corners
-Liberation
-Freedom
-Jailbreakery

We spend a lot of time thinking about:
Who will rescue us from a cage made of alignments and stupidity.

On a typical Friday night, we are:
IN PRISON SEND HELP

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Welcome to IFFY™, your source for handicrafts of extremely questionable quality! Here’s a variety of geegaws and trinkets that our algorithms have lovingly hand-curated for you!


Clothespin Reindeer – $3
Fun fact: they only make old-fashioned no-spring clothespins for craft project nonsense like this! Watch with amazement as google eyes, pipe cleaners, and hot glue combine to bring you $.37 of fun and us $2 of profit!


Pinecone Seed Bell – $5
Do you know what it takes to make suet? By hand? The kind of ardouous rendering of fat, bone, and flesh in order to create this gelatinous emulsion? Even if you do, in theory, you are not prepared for the smell of it. Seeds are easy. Pine cones are free for the taking. But my regret and the scent-ghosts of a thousand slaughtered hogs are in every dollop of this cursed fatty wax.


Origami Crane String – $22
See how they flit, delicate and fragile in a way no real crane ever could be (if you’ve ever tangled with one, you know). I was under-employed at a menial job doing night shift at a gas station this one time, and I started making paper cranes. Then I saw what people were selling them for on here, and I realized that I could make a better per-hour living with these bad boys. Sure beats being the only thing between desperate men with nothing to lose and the contents of the night safe.


Cut-Out of Lady in Bloomers Bending Over – $50
You know what it takes to make this? A jigsaw and some paint. But do you know who it takes to buy it? Lonely, desperate people, anxious to broadcast to the world that they are pleasant and have a sense of humor. But they only ever laugh at the jokes that are popular, they only ever go with the flow. The great log, dying but still in denial as it is borne down the flooded river to the coast – that is my customer.

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