Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Title: Kauboigan 2 (カウボーイガン 2)
Developer: Chuo Team
Publisher: Zykaya Co. Ltd.
System: Ultra PlayCom
Release Date:
JP: December 22, 1993
NA: N/A
EU: N/A

When Chuo Team learned that Glowbe was localizing Ultra Western Guns for the Japanese market, the developers were incensed–not only did they see this as a violation of their agreement, but Glowbe had not even bothered to ask for permission of consult them in any way. At a staff meeting in early 1993, Chuo decided to retaliate by making their own sequel.

Kauboigan 2 was the result, and it was a far more direct sequel made on an upgraded version of the Samurai no Densetsu: Ronin! game engine. It retconned the ending of the earlier game by revealing that Ken, East, Viki, and Zeke had survived the previous game, albeit with grievous wounds. Returning to health after months of convalescing, they find that a group of outlaws has been committing crimes in their name, making them wanted dead or alive. The four set out to clear their names while tracking down and avenging themselves upon the imposters.

While the graphics are considerably upgraded, Kauboigan 2 shares very similar gameplay with Samurai no Densetsu: Ronin!. Lighten-compatible duels are only fought at predetermined points, although a number of optional duels in side quests and secret locations were also added. Random battles are still a major part of gameplay, and the armor system doubles as a series of disguises to keep the heroes from being arrested or recognized, adding a strategic element to some sections. Disguises make poor armor, but wearing strong armor in certain areas results in tougher battles and eventual endless waves of enemies.

Released much later in 1993, Kauboigan 2 was a smash hit among Japanese gamers and doubled sales of lighten peripherals for months as well. Instead of competing with the many major summer releases in 1993, it stood out during the late holiday retail season and helped Chuo Team move into larger Kyoto offices. Half-hearted legal action by Glowbe dragged on for some time, but Chuo Team was on record as saying their new game’s success was revenge enough.

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Title: Urutora Kauboigan (ウルトラカウボーイガンズ)
Developer: Glowbe Co. Ltd.
Publisher: Glowbe Co. Ltd.
System: Ultra PlayCom
Release Date:
JP: July 9, 1993
NA: N/A
EU: N/A

Encouraged by the success of Ultra Western Guns in North America, Glowbe localized the game for Japanese players the following year. Other than re-rendering the script, few changes were made, though Glowbe once again had the game re-scored by their Kyoto sound team to avoid international licensing issues. There was some fear at Glowbe that this represented a violation of their agreement with Chuo Team, since their license was only for North America, but Glowbe rationalized that a localization did not count.

Released into a very saturated market in 1993, Urutora Kauboigan was a slow seller. Along with the failure of its expensive Ultra Saber peripheral that same year, Glowbe posted its first quarterly losses since the beginning of the console boom as a result.

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Title: Ultra Western Guns
Developer: Glowbe Co. Ltd.
Publisher: Glowbe Co. Ltd.
System: Ultra Musjido Media System (UMMS)
Release Date:
JP: N/A
NA: August 13, 1992
EU: N/A

As part of the deal with Chuo Team for Kauboigan: Nishi no densetsu, Glowbe had received the exclusive rights to make a sequel to the original game in North America. They licensed an RPG engine from Fenix Co. and proceeded to build a new game from the ground up. The result kept the one-on-one duel aspect of the original, but now framed as special attacks rather than narrative sequences; each character had a different “Quickdraw” technique that they could use in battle, requiring different speed- and skill-based challenges to deal maximum damage.

Although marketed as a sequel, Ultra Western Guns featured only a few side characters from the original and told a largely original story. Ex-thief Yule was condemned to death for a crime he didn’t commit, but survived in a miracle, awakening just as he was about to be buried in a potter’s field. He then sets out to track down and kill the four outlaws that framed him with the assistance of bounty hunter Sharps, circus sharpshooter Jane, and urchin Mouse. each of the four outlaws serves as the boss of their own chapter, which also involves side quests like bounty hunting. In the end, it is revealed that Yule really did die on the gallows, but that he had returned from beyond the grave for vengeance, fading away after the final boss is defeated.

Ultra Western Guns was a hit despite its occasional grammatical and technical hiccups, and topped the sales charts in North America for two months following its release. It was subsequently adapted into a five-issue comic book arc, and a pilot cartoon was produced that aired as a TV movie when it was turned down for syndication. It was also reissued on a cheaper cartridge with inexpensive packaging as part of the Ultra Hits line in 1995.

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Title: Kauboigan: Nishi no densetsu (カウボーイガン: 西の伝説)
Developer: Chuo Team, Glowbe USA
Publisher: Glowbe Co. Ltd.
System: Musjido PlayCom
Release Date:
JP: N/A
NA: September 2, 1991
EU: N/A

Upon seeing the success that Glowbe’s version of their game had in North America, Chuo Team proposed a joint venture to bring the game back to Japan in its western guise, with the hope that the fresh look would help to boost sales. Glowbe agreed, and took over publication from Zukaya. The conversion process was relatively quick, and consisted mainly of reinserting the original Japanese script with some modifications to remove references to samurai and swords (although fans have noted at least two places where such references remain).

Chuo also kept Glowbe’s modification to use the Musjido Buzzer light gun instead of the Joytana, though they modified the code to accept several popular light guns, such as the Musjido Murderer (the Japanese version of the Buzzer) and the Zukaya Zapper. As many in Japan were not familiar with the American Civil War, a new introduction sequence was added to the game, which required upgrading to the Musjiso MMV onboard chip, and a third new soundtrack was created to avoid overseas royalty payments.

Though the resulting game was not a record seller, it sold much better than Samurai no Densetsu: Ronin! and Chuo wound up repurposing many of the older cartridges for the new game. This had the unintended consequence of making original Samurai no Densetsu: Ronin! cartridges something of a rarity in Japan.

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Title: Western Guns!
Developer: Chuo Team, Glowbe USA
Publisher: Glowbe USA
System: Musjido Multimedia System (MMS)
Release Date:
JP: N/A
NA: November 11, 1990
EU: N/A

Glowbe USA was an arm of Glowbe Co. Ltd. in Japan, founded primarily to localize Glowbe’s original games for the North American market. During the latter part of 1989, Glowbe learned that it would be getting more North American Musjido MMS cartridges than it had initially anticipated. There had been a chip shortage throughout 1987 and 1988 that had impacted the available quantities of games in North America, so Glowbe had been deliberately over-ordering in hopes of receiving more units to sell. When the shortage ended, they found themselves with more inventory than they knew what to do with, and thanks to the policies of Musjido at the time, Glowbe was locked into the sale.

With their existing games selling modestly and any new titles at least a year off, Glowbe USA began looking to purchase the rights to a cheap Japanese game it could localize to use up additional stock. After watching a double feature of Seven Samurai and The Magnificent Seven, Glowbe USA manager Ken Nakayama instructed his team to look for a samurai video game he could remake into a western; they returned with Samurai no Densetsu and Nakayama immediately bought the international rights from Chuo for $5000.

In Glowbe’s hands, the Sengoku Jidai game was reimagined as taking place in 1880, with Civil War veteran Ken (named after Nakayama) searching for the daughter of his late commanding officer, assisted by bounty hunter East, bar maiden Viki, and crazed miner Zeke. The game’s visuals were extensively overhauled into a western theme, with most sprites redrawn from scratch, a process that only took two months. The Joytana accessory had never been released in North America, so Glowbe replaced it with the light gun that came with the MMS, the Musjido Buzzer. The game was also rescored, replacing the 8-bit adaptations of classic kabuki music with a western-influenced score inspired by Bernstein and Morricone, at least insofar as the onboard synthesizer would permit.

Western Guns! was released in time for the holiday season, and was a surprisingly strong seller in North America. In fact, it outsold all other Glowbe games that season, thanks in part to a strong marketing push and a front-cover feature in Musjido Might magazine, complete with maps, strategy, and a fold-out poster. In fact, one Glowbe had run through its leftover cartridges, it authorized two more print runs to meet demand, which only started to flag as consumers began losing interest in the Musjido MMS in favor of the new Ultra Musjido which was released the following year.

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Title: Samurai no Densetsu: Ronin! (サムライの伝説 浪人)
Developer: Chuo Team
Publisher: Zukaya Co., Ltd
System: Musjido PlayCom
Release Date:
JP: December 30, 1988
NA: N/A
EU: N/A

Samurai no Densetsu: Ronin! was one of many role-playing games released in the RPG craze of the late 1980s for the Musjido PlayCom. A samurai game set during the Sengoku Jidai period, it featured an overhead map and random encounters standard to many RPGs on the system, but with a few added mechanics. One was “duel mode,” which would require a player to out-draw an opponent with a katana; it was compatible with the Zukaya Joytana accessory. Another innovation was a strict stamina system, which consumed one point of stamina from each character for every attack, requiring stamina to be refreshed with items.

In story terms, the game follows a ronin, Kei, who learns that the daughter of his slain lord is still alive and being held prisoner in the fortress of the evil Lord Otani. Kei recruits three traveling companions in his quest to defeat Otani and rescue his captive: deserter Suzuki, geisha Aki, and gunpowder-mad Bumu. The player must complete numerous manhunts to earn money to buy plot-essential items, and the end sequence is notable for stripping party members from the player and forcing them to sacrifice themselves in impossible “duel modes,” resulting in a downbeat and melancholy ending.

The game was a modest success in the Japanese market, enough to be repackaged as part of the Musjido Gold line with a specially branded Joytana in 1990, but not enough to merit a sequel or remake. A later game, 2004’s Samurai no Densetsu: Sengoku Jidai was advertised as a sequel, but it did not share any team members or plot details with the earlier game.

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Due to last week’s temperature fluctuations, with a record 110º on Monday and another record -40º on Wenesday, we understand that a lot of our viewers are looking for answers.

Unfortunately, due to State Act 124-12 § 2, the “Don’t Say Climate Change” bill, we are not allowed to discuss the most likely cause of this wild weather. And thanks to State Act 124-12 § 1, it is unlikely that the average viewer would have the science literacy skills necessary to interpret it. As such, we must point our viewers elsewhere for answers.

Legislators in Texas are fond of blaming a certain group of people, and specifically perceived divine retribution thereupon, for natural disasters. But thanks to State Act 104-3 § 1-24, the “Never Say Gay” bill, that scapegoat is ironically forbidden to us as well, even though we are quite sure that the state legislature would approve.

We are also tempted to blame foreigners, but State Act 121-33 § 1, the “Sovereign State Relations” bill, states that we are not allowed to name any foreign state without express legislative approval. While § 2 does allow us to mention the Russian Federation and its wise and noble leader Vladimir Vladimirovich without such approval, it is only in positive contexts, and therefore will not do as a scapegoat for the fresh cracks in your masonry and hundreds of thousands of dead farm animals.

We are therefore compelled to say that the cause of this unprecedented event was completely unknown, completely unpreventable, and will completely never happen again. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s weather forecast, which features a 25% chance of firestorms.

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The Surreal Film Service is your source for the finest surreal films!

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“You can see here the inhumane conditions that these princesses were kept in,” says Strauß, pointing at the cages. “And of course, those were only the ones that met the breed standard. Those that didn’t were more often than not drowned.”

The castle in Bad Neustadt, raided by authorities last month as part of a wider crackdown on princess mills, had been producing pureblooded princesses of the Glückstadt and Coburg lines, mostly for use as mail-order brides. “You see it all the time,” Strauß continues. “A formerly great noble house, with not much land or money but some brand recognition, falling prey to breeders. Before you know it, the ancestral castle is a princess mill.”

Though royalists have long insisted that those looking for a prince or princess “adopt, don’t shop,” the situation in Bad Neustadt is far from unique. Authorities seized a princeling mill that was cranking out members of a minor cadet branch of the Lao royal family in Myanmar last year, and a number of Scottish clans have been accused of a similar practice.

“I hate to say it, but as long as people want to marry into noble blood, these princess mills will continue,” says Strauß, noting that the practice goes back at least as far as the infamous Saxe-Coburg-Gotha princeling mill.”

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Jericho Rogers paced the stage, his hands steepled. “If you stop demanding excellence, you stop getting it,” he said. “That’s been my watchword since childhood. I still remember my father using it, word for word, when he fired our nanny. It wasn’t that she had done anything wrong–she had just failed to live up to the standards of excellence set for her, and so she was gone. That’s the attitude I have here at GesteCo, and that’s the attitude I expect of each of you as well.”

“Did he just brag about how his dad being shitty to the nanny is the foundation for his success in tech?” said Laurel.

“His dad being a multimillionaire was the foundation of his success in tech,” replied Olive.

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