Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Q: Do you need any help putting that cooking pot together?

A: No, I think I can handle it.

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Virginia McNeil
Female Human Ranger
STR 14, DEX 20, CON 15, INT 12, WIS 9, CHA 12
20HP, pistol 1d6 (6 shots), dagger 1d4

The daughter of legendary lawmen, Virginia is a crack shot with a pistol and an excellent rider. She tends to let her natural skills and her pedigree get the better of her, though, and has a tendency to be arrogant, cocky, and presumptive. She secretly enjoys reading tawdry novels in the vein of Ragged Dick.

Adam McNeil
Male Human Cleric
STR 8, DEX 18, CON 10, INT 17, WIS 18, CHA 13
10HP, cane 1d4, Cure Light Wounds (4 uses), Sanctuary (2 uses), Bless (2 uses)

The brother of Virginia. Crippled in an accident and hardly able to walk, he runs their large ranch. All his dreams of future glory have been transferred to his sister, and he has a reputation as an honest rancher who pays good wages for honest work.

Prissy Deerton
Female Elf Fighter
STR 10, DEX 17, CON 12 INT 15, WIS 14, CHA 19
15HP, sword 1d8, Reynard the Rat

A trainee fighter with a taste for finery, Prissy is never without her pet rat Reynard (treat as a party hamster). A competent fighter despite her low strength, she is terrified of spiders and will flee from the very sight of them.

Jake Sullivan
Half-Elf Male Mage
STR 8, DEX 18, CON 15, INT 17, WIS 16, CHA 12
15HP, revolver 1d4 (8 shots), Magic Missile (5 uses), Ray of Frost (3 uses), Grease (2 uses), Color Spray (2 uses)

The only child of the powerful Widow Sullivan, Jake has a reputation for being snarky and utterly intolerant of incompetence. He launches withering barbs at anyone he deems incompetent or stupid, but this comes from his desire for excellence rather than malice.

Daisy-May Portia
Halfling Rogue
STR 10, DEX 12, CON 17, INT 16, WIS 19, CHA 17
20HP, stiletto dagger 1d6

Owner and operator of a saloon and a local stagecoach business besides, Daisy-May came into her holdings with the suspicious death of Mr. Portia and has since expanded them tenfold. An extremely canny businesswoman who brews her own liquor, she is ruthless with money but is also obsessed with spiritualism and reincarnation. She is convinced she has lived any number of past lives and does not hesitate to describe them.

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The frequency of colors in factory-fresh M&Ms is as follows!

20% Blue

Blue is the most recent addition to the stable, having been added after a vote in 1995 in which it crushed pink and purple by double digits. It took the place of tan, whose essence it ingested.

20% Orange

Added in 1976 to replace red, orange is the newest color that did not require the permanent death of another to give it life. Its composition was changed in 1981 after the species of taro root used to color it went extinct.

15% Green

Green has been with M&Ms since the beginning, but is currently the least popular color. Powerful forces within the company have already begun to agitate for its replacement with a “young, hip” color like mustard or marsala.

14% Brown

Staid, boring brown is the same on the outside as it is on the inside. Can you say the same of yourself? Can anyone? Brown has managed to endure despite being thought a fool and a pushover, and those who question its relevence are seldom seen again.

14% Yellow

All M&Ms have the same flavor, but some have described yellow as “lemon flavored” like a Skittle. This is grave misinformation, and an unforgivable slight. Do not wonder when those who speak such lies are found with every orifice choked by hard yellow candies; instead, vow to let their mistake be your education.

13% Red

A scare over the dyes used to create red M&Ms led to their removal from bags nationwide for a time, from 1976 to 1987, but now they’re back. Only those closest to the candy recognize that something is subtly different, subtly hollow, and that the candy they lost and got back again may in fact truly be dead.

3% Violet

Violet was an original color introduced in 1941. Officially discontinued in 1954, purple remains and can be found by those that know where to look. Violet’s ambitions to return thrwarted in 1995, purple nevertheless will continue to be made even though the machine has been turned off and padlocked. Violet will not be denied.

2% Pink

There are those who say pink M&Ms never existed. There are those why say you never existed. People who have never seen one have dreamed of pink M&Ms; who who has never seen you, never met you, has done the same?

1% Grey

Supposedly a production error, these colorless candies are prized delicacies. For many years, it was possible to bring one to the great monestary of Hazin Gudo to recieve enlightment, but the quote has been filled. One day, grey M&Ms will shake the universe to its foundations.

.01% Indigo

The color of the earth before time was time, the color of the skies before they were differentiated from the earth. .01% of everything that exists is indigo, and M&Ms are no exception.

.001% White

It is blinding. A truth you cannot comprehend. Is it a white M&M, or is it a color you can’t concieve because you lack the eyes for it? Yes. Yes.

.0001% Black

A singularity. It devours light, devours hope. The end, our end, wrapped in a candy shell. The few who have seen, the even fewer who have eaten…they are the only ones who come close to understanding. To eat the black M&M is to eat the universe in which you are contained, to tumble headfirst into neverending quantum night. Death before this. Death and chocolate.

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Loewatt Royalty

The cavernous Loewatt Royalty is the official conference headquarters and the largest indoor space in the state, with 3 stories worh of height in a one-story conference hall layout. Ice-cold AC ensures the space maintains a robust 45-degree temperature at the cost of only one rainforest per day. The Loewatt’s crack conference committee will ensure that simple committee meetings are given cyclopean chambers while packed sessions are relegated to tiny conference rooms with single tables.

Hilgram Resort

Inspired by the timeless design of the Labyrinth of Crete, the Hilgram offers a stunning European-style non-Euclidean layout with American-style gigantic interiors and conspicuous wastes of resources. Marvel at the multiple levels, multiple escalators, multiple glass walls, and multiple entrances and exits that make any simple trip across the building into an exciting odyssey! Shuttles to the conference center depart every 15 minutes from the auxiliary shuttles-only entrance down the escalator (but not THAT escalator!).

Tulipp Tower Centre

This stunning 25-story tower is so tall and so prominent that local zoning laws were changed to prevent anything like it from ever being built again. A deluxe onsite pool and bar are available for a nominal $25 cover charge, and access to the penthouse party suites on floors 24 and 25 is available following a credit check and blood drawing. Admire the many grandfathered-in building code violations that allow you to hear your downstairs neighbors watching TV and your upstairs neighbors making whoopee at no extra charge!

Soberatt Sunshine State

This chain hotel attempts an upsell with gated valet parking, an in-house Denny’s, and 1-hour walks along treeless boulevards to convention centers and major attractions (expect to walk in the street at times). Enjoy paying for the parking that so many Soberatt hotels offer for free that serial killer routinely dispose of cars at them, as well as $20 Denny’s up-and-at-’em breakfasts of the sort that most hotels give away.

La Niña Inn

A Spanish-language name translates into a mildly racist assumption of major value in this attractive motor lodge with authentic adobe roof tile handmade in Ciudad Juarez. Experience true pampering with the Continental Antarctica breakfast of a fridge full of cold milk and cold cereal. Enjoy 24/7 unsecured pool access as long as the neighborhood kids aren’t in there. Despite rates that are competitive with the majors above, expect free wireless and HBO that other hotels charge for.

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Calamity Djinn
Female Halfling Rogue
STR 15, DEX 16, CON 13, INT 15, WIS 14, CHA 16
8HP, dagger 1d4, revolver 1d4 (3 shots)

The self-proclaimed scourge of the valley (the particular valley in question isn’t important), Calamity Djinn leads her band of robbers in a quest for phat lewt. She claims to be part djinn, but is most likely all halfling; she makes up for her small size with loud bluster and louder pistols. Her plans tend to be overly complex and grandiose, but her intimidating aspect and silver tongue have gotten her out of many a tight spot. As a rogue she can deal a 1d6 backstab, but only if she is sneaking, which requires her to be unobserved. Her pistols do not deal backstab damage.

Brutus Androgynous
Male (?) Half-Orc Barbarian
STR 17, DEX 15, CON 13, INT 8, WIS 7, CHA 5
10HP, Sword 1d4

Brutus is massively built but of indeterminate gender, with a high voice and penchant for baggy clothing that reveals little. He (?) is nevertheless a fierce foe on the battlefield, wielding sword and shield with a battle frenzy that is totally devoted to the gang. He (?) pledged an oath of total loyalty to Calamity after she saved him from a mine collapse, and hopes to eventually save enough money to purchase a small copper mine/bistro for dwarves.

Doc Points
Male Elf Cleric
STR 12, DEX 13, CON 7, INT 10, WIS 16, CHA 8
10HP, Rod 1d4, Revolver 1d6 (2 shots), Cure Light Wounds 1d4 (2 uses)

Aloyisus “Doc Points” Greenspringvale knows anatomy inside and out, and is a skilled physician. But his appetite for “long pork,” the flesh of sentient beings, has seen him lose many customers as he often lets the most delectable ones die. Being ill-suited for carnivory, he has filed his teeth to points which he uses to intimidate. Despite this, he is a weak fighter and a hemopheliac, which causes him to take and additional 1 HP of damage from every attack. If he must, he fights with an embossed rod of the goddess Kali or Griswold & Gunnison blackpowder revolver.

Missiles O’Houlihan
Female Human Mage
STR 6, DEX 8, CON 9, INT 16, WIS 12, CHA 14
5 HP, 1d2 dagger, Magic Missile 1d4 (2 uses)

Missy “Missiles” O’Houlihan specializes in magic missiles, and her inability to control her missilemania has seen her expelled and shunned from the fany boarding schools that her now-vanished family fortune got her access to. Immaculately dressed (as long as you don’t look close enough to notice the shabbiness), she has turned to outlawery to maintain her tastes for the finer things in life. If brought to 1-2 HP, she will attempt to flee.

Skeletonia
Female Undead Fighter
STR 15, DEX 10, CON 0, INT 12, WIS 8, CHA 6
8 HP, 1d4 axe

Named for a distant ancestor, Skeletonia is an expert at picking herself back up after she’s been knocked down, largely by virtue of being a skeleton. Purely mercenrary and with very little attachment to her cohorts, this enchanted ambulatory skeleton wields a mean axe. She has the ability to collapse into a pile of seemingly dead bones only to rise after 1d4 turns, but prefers to use it to play possum than to lay ambushes. Despite being dead she prefers to wear melodramatic wigs and corsets.

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Version 1.13.0 – June 25, 2016

New Features

Google Naps can now support Advanced Naps, allowing short (less than 5 minutes) periods of wakefulness. Integration with eBay and other vendors to allow targeted wakefulness will be added soon. (Issue 5203.)

Dreams now have the ability to import content from Google Play. Itunes and Netflix support may be added at a later date. (Issue 5559.)

Snoring now defaults to 40dB. Set the new preferredSnoreVolume property on GMSMapView to revert to the old behavior (Loud) or a new low-volume 20dB option to save sanity (Quiet). (Issue 5066.)

Resolved Issues

A bug that caused nappers with negative values to never wake up has been resolved. (Issue 9173.)

Setting a Future Nap within a sleep period no longer results in restful sleep being overwritten by fitfulness. (Issue 8121.)

Ongoing Issues

Users have reported 30dB snoring occasionally resets to 130 dB after a hard reboot. Be sure to check snoring volume after each hard reset. (Issue 9221.)

Initiating a nap with less than 10% battery power remaining will sometimes lead to a coma until recharge. This is the software inadvertently creating a very long, very unsatisfying nap. (Issue 8523.)

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“Look at that guy over there. Who’s he remind you of?”

“A really grumpy looking guy?”

“No! Kim Jong-Il.”

“The North Korea guy? Huh, I guess he does kind of look like him.”

“He doesn’t just look like Kim Jong-Il, he IS Kim Jong-Il.”

“Shut up, he’s dead.”

“Could have been a ruse.”

“Come on, do you really think he’d fake his own death just to fly Delta to ATL?”

“Do you really think anyone would dress like that if they weren’t him?”

“That’s enough. I’m done talking about it.”

“Good, good. Argue amongst yourselves, Americans. It’s only a matter of time before you discover what’s in this briefcase…and why I had to deliver it personally.”

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REID: What is this, a shotgun kill?

CUSTOMER: It’s a melee. I swatted ’em and shot ’em.

REID: If you swatted them and then shot them, it’s a shotgun kill. There’s not much market for those, no one’s buying them. Especially not in Call of Honor 4: Future Warfare 2. I can do 20.

CUSTOMER: The shotgun plast just finished them off! I did 90% of the damage with melee. I’ll go 40.

REID: If you walk 90% of the way to a party and then take your car the last 10%, how are people going to say you got there?

CUSTOMER:…in a car.

REID: Shotgun kill. I’ll do 20.

CUSTOMER: How about 30? Even if it’s a shotgun kill it’s a stylish one. I pwned that n00b but good.

REID: Look, I gotta make some money here. I’m running a business. Style is the only reason I’m offering 20, and I’ll be lucky to make anything on it even at that.

CUSTOMER: 25? I saw someone getting that for shotgun kills on Spike eSports.

REID: You saw someone asking for that on Spike. Doesn’t mean they got it. And even if they did, which I doubt, they would have had to pay fees and taxes. I’m offering you cash, right now. Two Roosevelts, tax free.

CUSTOMER: …fine, I’ll take it.

REID: Great. Talk to n00bslasherz33, he’ll get you written up. And look for this on our YouTube channel, Twitch.TV, and streaming live on PwnStarz.co.ntz.

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“I make technical drawings based on precision measurements,” said Mr. Jin. “I am presented with an item, measure it, prepare technical drawings, and then hand them over for fabrication.”

Colonel Li nodded. “Precision measurements of items of foreign manufacture, is that right?”

Mr. Jin bristled slightly. “Yes, but not whole products. My company makes cheap replacement parts. Battery doors, hinges, plastic cases. Things Americans can use to repair their items but that they cannot purchase due to their system’s inefficiency. We fill a need.”

“Of course, of course,” said Colonel Li. “I did not mean to suggest you were behaving inappropriately. Your factory found a need and filled it very skillfully, and your performance reviews have been…stellar.”

“I take pride in my work, Colonel Li.”

“Which is why I am here,” said Li. “But first, please understand that what I am about to tell you is a state secret. Discussing it with others, even your family, can only result in the strictest penalties.”

“I am a loyal citizen,” Mr. Jin said. “Though I wonder what use the state could have for one such as me, beyond my taxes.”

“You come highly recommended,” the colonel said. “And most importantly, your brother is a Party member. The local party secretary, in fact. You have the precise combination of skill, anonymity, and political reliability that we are looking for.”

“To do what, exactly?”

Li leaned forward. “To repair an American stealth bomber, of course.

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She’s an expert in the ancient Celtic art of Hugh Moor. A grandmaster the venerable Chinese style of Jo Qing. Of course, she has years of experience in the Welsh Kyd Dyngg technique. And we can’t forget the Latin form of Ex Aggre Ation.

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