June 2022

It has come to our attention that some in this state have been complaining that guns have more rights than women in this state. This is, clearly, an absurd state of affairs. Therefore, the state legislature majority caucus has authorized and passed SLB 117, also known as the “Firearms Right to Life Bill.”

This important bill, the first of its kind nationwide and hopefully the first of many, rules that guns are legally classified as living beings and that bullets are legally classified as children. Therefore, it is now illegal in this state to unload a loaded gun, which would be tantamount to an abortion, or to destroy and existing gun, which is now legally equivalent to murder. Guns and ammunition may, of course, still be freely manufactured.

What does this mean for you, the gun owners of this state? First of all, take care of your guns. If you are found to have destroyed or improperly cared for a firearm, you will be liable for stiff penalties including mandatory fines and jail time. Second, all bullets must be fired, birthed into the world as God intended. Unloading is tantamount to murder and will be subject to the same harsh fines and jail time. Both will be enforced by tip lines, bounty hunters, and handsome cash rewards from the state coffers for those who report any such crimes.

I have been asked whether firing a gun into a steel or paper target, or a dirt berm, constitutes a crime under this new law. The answer: absolutely. God intended bullets to be fired into and pierce living flesh, and we are but His humble servants. Therfore any firing of a gun that does not result in a wound will be tantamount to masturbation, which the Lord also frowns upon. The penalty will be the same, though smaller bounties are authorized for its reportage. We have given the firing ranges and gun clubs of the state 30 days to convert to live targets, after which they will be raided and closed. In a seperate, unrelated, decision, we are pleased to report that inmates of state correctional facilities are now available to rent as targets.

The legislature’s majority caucus thanks you for your continued support via intensive gerrymandering, and urges you to go forth and birth as many bullet babies into the world as you can.

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In a stunning decision that flies in the face of 50 years of zombie precedent, the justices of the Supreme Corpse voted 6-4 in favor of ending the federal protection for brains, overturning the landmark Sarah v. Bellum ruling. This means that it is now up to individual zombie state legislatures to decide whether, and how, it is acceptable for zombies to legally slay the living and consume their brains.

The decision was not wholly unanticipated, as the full text of the decision had been leaked a month prior. In addition, former Zombie President Brayne had championed the repeal of Sarah V. Bellum, and due to legal manuvering, assassination, and devouring, he had been able to appoint a record seven justices to the Supreme Corpse in his four-year term. His successor and bitter rival, Medulla “Dully” Oblongata, has only managed to appoint one-half of a justice despite his party controlling both houses of Zombie Congress. Zombie President Oblongata’s half-nominee voted against the measure, as did the only half-nominee of Brayne’s predecessor, President Amygdala.

Previously, under Sarah v. Bellum, the right to posess a brain and the right to not have it eaten without consent was a controversial cornerstone of zombie jurisprudence. While many credit it with ending the zombie wars of the 1960s and making it possible for the undead to live and prosper alongside the living in a parallel modern nation-state, many conservative zombies have long opposed it. Since the 1980s, a repeal of the right to one’s brains has been their top priority.

While Zombie President Oblongata has signed an executive order enforcing a right to one’s brains on federal zombie lands, it is feared that his party will lose control of the Zombie Congress in the next election, making the gesture moot.

At press time, roving gangs of zombies had already begun slaying the living and consuming their brains in states with so-called “brainstem laws.” Those laws stated that, if Sarah v. Bellum was ever overturned, they would immediately legalize the right to slay the living and consume their brains. A member of the Zombie Legislature of Mississippi, reached for comment as he snacked noisily on the brain of an innocent, insisted that the repeal was a matter of “states’ rights” and that he was intent on making his a “pro-death” state.

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What are the pines whispering at Whispering Pines Truck stop? Are they whispering that diesel fuel is a noxious pollutant, one that it is beyond their ability to filter out of our ever-darkening skies? Perhaps they whisper of the Piney Lode, a legendary treasure abandoned by Confederate highwaymen deep in the woods at the end of the late unpleasantness. Perhaps the legendary Dogman of Piney Isle Bog is spoken of amid the boughs, or secrets swirling around the alleged abduction of two men by extraterrestrial saucers on the old pine logging road in 1971. Perhaps the pines whisper of a love once lost but never forgotten, as sweet and near as fragrant honey but as ephemeral and intangible as a morning mist.

Whatever they’re whispering about, come find out. And while you’re at it, sign up for a fuel card to save 2¢ off every gallon.

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Some might say that the feud between Liberty Tyler and Dixie Johnston was set as soon as they were named, though that tends to overlook the fact that Liberty was actually Mary Liberty and Dixie was a nickname for Dorothy. Nevertheless, from their earliest days in the kindergarten in Davis the two were bitter enemies, with a particular feud on the playground escalating into a hostage situation of sorts that made it into the Davis Democrat on a slow news day.

But since the Tylers were from Bud Tyler, the head of the city waterworks, and the Johnstons had antebellum roots in the county, neither family was going anywhere. That, plus the two-day difference in their ages and the low number of fellows in their school classes, put them on collision course after collision course.

There was the scuffle at the downhill derby in 4th grade, escalating parade float hijincks in 6th, and by freshman year both had taken to traveling with a posse for protection from the other.

At Davis High, tradition dictated that there was no seperate prom queen and class president but rather a single title for both: Master Davis for the men and Mistress Davis for the ladies. And, needless to say, both Liberty and Dixie had their eye on Mistress Davis from the word go.

Their playground rivalry escalated into a nearly four-year campaign of harrassment, intimidation, dirty tricks, voter fraud, and even an isolated case of bribery. But when all was said and done, Liberty Tyler and Dixie Johnston were the two candidates on tap, with their respective boyfriends reluctantly allotted to the running for Master Davis. The ballots were paper, and cast at the annual Electing Dance that opened senior year, to be counted out live onstage during the final dance. It was as if the situation had been tailor-made to inflame the Liberty-Dixie rivalry still further, and it worked. All it took was a single spark to set things off.

That spark came at quarter to eight from an errant cigarette snuck into the dance and carelessly flicked onstage. By the time anyone realized that the stage was on fire, the alarm was already ringing and the sprinklers already sprinkling.

But Liberty and Dixie were determined to rescue their ballots from fire and flood, determined to prove once and for all that they were better than the girl they’d hated tooth and nail since preschool.

The last anyone saw of either of them was as silhouettes onstage, as crepe-paper decorations were consumed by the blaze around them, struggling over the ceremonial ballot box and cursing through the smoke.

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Hello and welcome to the exciting life of a Vampway™ Independent Unlife Consultant! We’re proud to be our nation’s #1 independent non-surgical blood bank, and we know that our products and lifestyle will help you realize your dreams of owning your own business and commanding your own unholy army of the night.

First, let me assure you: this is not some dodgy pyramid or Ponzi scheme. We’re a real medical supply company that sells real products! But between you and me, the media does have something right about Vampway™: we’re all about the blood!

As an entry-level Independent Unlife Consultant, you will be in thrall to the Vampway™ consultant who recruited you. 25% of the blood you collect goes straight to them. But we all know that no one wants to stay at the bottom, and that’s why you are able to recruit thralls of your own! Once you’ve embraced the sweet nectar of undeath, you’ll be entitled to 25% of the blood your thralls collect, and their thralls, and so on! You and I can both see that this means a literal river of blood flowing to your doorstep!

Now, obviously, as a Vampway™ Independent Unlife Consultant, you need blood to live, and any other food will make you violently ill. However, any excess blood you collect is yours to keep! You can save it yourself for lean times in a low-interest BloodBankPlus™ account, sell it on Vampway™’s internal eBlood auction site, or convert it into a number of bestselling serology products. Do-it-yourself with our starter kit, or skip the hassle and have the conversion done centrally by us for a nominal* fee!

Now, we know that even the most prepared Vampway™ consultant occasionally has some lean times, and that’s where we give back to you. Both our healthy, screened blood purchased from other consultants and our award-winning “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Blood” serum substitute are available for purchase at a substantial discount. That’s right: you save 5% off the cost we charge to hospitals and ordinary customers for our blood and blood substitutes!

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I know you’ve heard a lot in the media about the miracle of radium, but I’m here to tell you that it’s even better than that. We predict that within the next ten years, radium will completely replace normal currency and be used for all transactions in a system we like to call Currency 3. Currency 1 was barter, Currency 2 is the phoney old fiat money in your wallet, but radium is the new wave for the 1920s!

Think about it, people – radium is impossible to fake, difficult to produce, and you can test its authenticity easily thanks to its distinctive glow and ability to expose film. Better still, it holds its value – supply is more limited than gold!

What we are asking you to do is buy radium tokens from us. They’re not backed by any government, and that’s the great part: their value is independent of the banks and Wall Street! An investment of a few hundred dollars today could net you hundreds of thousands in a few years!

Our sales associates are ready to take your order by mail, telephone, and telegraph. But don’t wait! Only a set amount of RadiumCoins will ever be minted, and when they’re gone, they’re gone. Don’t miss out!

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