Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #9999: “Volclaymore”
Price: 2323 sols

Legend has it that this sword was forged by a sentient volcano, and that its blade burns bright when evil is afoot. But you’re not going to believe that, are you? No, you’re not, because my snarky staff has been undermining every single sale I’ve been trying to make all month! It doesn’t matter that I can’t pay them if I don’t sell any swords, they’re just happy to sit around and crack jokes while I do all the hard work. That’s it, kid. Sale’s over. Go home.

Billao, Kastane, and Flyssa’s Note:
Since we reforge and repair the steel, we think the hard work is definitely on our side.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #291h: “Sad Spathaphone”
Price: 341 sols

This brass beauty is not just a keen blade, oh no: it’s also a tool of psychological warfare! That’s right, the valves and openings on the side are not just for show, and the replaceable reeds are not simple set dressing. Rather, every time you swing this blade, it will loudly, and automatically, play a devastatingly sad soulful saxophone solo. Watch your enemies stop in mid-attack as they are suddenly struck with bouts of melancholy, wistful longing, or bitter ennui. This allows either a genuine human connection, a hand of mercy proffered across the abyss of war and death, or an attack of opportunity.

Billao’s Note:
It crushes your enemies, just not in the way that most people mean.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #303c: “Umbrapier”
Price: 1432 sols

Many establishments have a no weapons policy, but are you going to let that keep you from defending yourself? You never know when danger–or assassins!–will strike, so why not be ready when either or both do? That’s where the Umbrapier comes in–a simple umbrella to the unsuspecting eye, but a deadly sword once drawn. And unlike other would-be “swordbrellas,” the Umbrapier actually functions as an umbrella, meaning that it is that much less likely to be found out–and it can even keep you dry on a rainy day!

Flyssa’s note:
They rust into their scabbards. All of them.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #303c: “Pugio of Pizza”
Price: 323 sols

Not all swords are meant for battle, and there’s no better example of this than the Pugio of Pizza, which was specifically designed to be a utility blade for a pizzamancer. Behold the detachable guard, which detaches and doubles as a cheese grater! Behold the pommel, which detaches and doubles as a pizza cutter! The blade itself is expertly shaped for slicing pepperoni, finishing dough, and other tasks around a pizza kitchen. When you’re done, just reassemble the sword and you’re good to go! Buy it and try for yourself today!

Kastane’s Note:
It’s ironically both cheaper and more useful to buy a grater, a cutter, and a pizzamancer’s slicer and have them separately. I’m especially not sure what they were thinking with the handguard that grates.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #1135: “Sheax”
Price: 1 sol (offers accepted)

Look, I don’t know why someone made a sword to herd sheep with a spell that works only on metal, okay? Maybe they were metal sheep. Maybe you can modify the enchantment so it herds real sheep, or herds robots or something. We just need it gone, okay?

Billao’s Note:
We’re all feeling a little sheepish about this one.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #473: “Celsius, the Blade of Heat”
Price: 2002 sols

Do you need more heat in battle–pure, scalding, remorseless heat that will burn exposed skin and leave scars that will last for days? Then Celsius, the Blade of Heat, is perfect for your needs! Commissioned by the great gormomancer Tureen, this heat engine in sword form is unquenchable and unstoppable. Regardless of the recipe for disaster that you are confronted with, this blade will ensure a warm reception. Buy it today! And, incidentally, no refunds.

Flyssa’s note:
Uh, it only works on soup. That’s what Sharpe is trying to dance around there. Yeah. Only soup. Not soup-er useful, I guess.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #303c: “Cutlass of Comprehension”
Price: 2102 sols

We are, all of us, alone. Ultimately unable to hear the true inner voice of anyone else, no matter how much they may say or do, we are forever forced to know and to comprehend only ourselves, and imperfectly at that. At least that was the case until the Cutlass of Comprehension! Forged by Heartbeard the Pirate from rare soul silver captured from an inbound galleon, the Cutlass of Comprehension immediately unites in mutual understanding any two who touch it. Used for decades as a psychologist’s tool, an unfortunate bankruptcy has brought it here, where it can be yours at a shockingly low pawnbroker’s rate!

Kastane’s Note:
I’m pretty sure the psychologist had to pawn it because mutual understanding is so terrifying that it makes people want to run for the hills and never see each other again. Like me, for example. I have accidentally brushed the cutlass while Sharpe was holding it. And Flyssa. And Billao. And I never want to see any of them again.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #801a: “A Sword to Save the World”
Price: 10,001 sols (payable in installments)

The blind prophet Zoxkyogy, renowned for his perfect foresight and mastery of augury, once laid out the exact qualities needed in a sword that would save the world to the great smith Kealz. In an act of forgery yet unrivaled to this day, Kealz produced a blade with the exact qualities Zoxkyogy predicted, working hand in hand with the seer to ensure total accuracy. The effort was such that the prophet passed away soon after the blade was quenched, and Kealz was left a broken man who lingered near death for weeks before he too expired. The resultant blade will save the world someday–it it a certainty. Will it be in your hand that it does so? Buy it today and see for yourself!

Billao’s Note:
I don’t know what threat calls for a perfectly cube-shaped sword that cannot be sharpened, but I’m not sure I want to.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #1721: “Quantum Cinquedea”
Price: 3210 sols

How often have you wished that your blade could be in two places at once, fighting multiple foes with but the exertion of one arm? The Quantum Cinquedea, using breakthrough entanglement magic I don’t even pretend to understand, is just the thing! Every action taken by one blade is taken by the other, regardless of how far apart they are. Try it out today, and double your offensive power!

Flyssa’s note:
It seems like a good idea until you lose track of the other one and, um, stab yourself in the back. Ask me how I know.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #2520: “Betablade”
Price: 419 sols

Far superior to the competing brand from Very Heavy Sword™, this classic Betablade™ will record up to six hours of continuous live combat for later playback. Perfect for analyzing your actions, review by experts, or even instant replays of fencing bouts! Or hand the sword off to a friend to let them feel what it’s like to be you in the heat of battle! Note that some minor degradation can occur during playback, and recording a recording will result in further quality loss. Keep your Betablade™ away from strongly magnetic lodestone, high temperatures, low temperatures, and excessive humidity. Remember to leave your Betablade™ in its case when not in use, and never attempt to open it, as you risk permanently damaging its MagiRec recording system.

Kastane’s Note:
I’m quite sure that the new Duplicating Violence Dao™ swords will kill both Betablade and Very Heavy Sword.

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