Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

The Jourmungandr was nearby now; that was evident in the frequent tremors and the blazing sky. Prof. Xi estimated that the atmosphere would become incapable of sustaining life in another twenty minutes or so, after which the reserve oxygen in the expedition’s tanks would be the only option.

“Biomechanics at this scale,” said deBlij, chucking ruefully as he uncorked his last bottle of wine. “I never would have guessed it, even after all we’ve seen.”

“Is now really the time for drinking?” said Lozowiak.

“Of course!” deBlij said, pouring the wine into a silver cup. “Xi’s device will either work or it won’t. Worrying about it at this point is pointless. We’ll either see the thing driven off, or we can toast the toothy horizon looming up to swallow us all whole.”

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In a universe that is infinite, it stands to reason that all things either have existed, or will exist. This is simple probability, simple infinity. This means that, somewhere in the infinite reaches of this or some other cosmos, there is a planet with an ecosystem made entirely out of candy.
Yes, air of sugar vapor reacts in a cycle to fall from the sky as syrup, only to wash back into the basin of a sugar ocean where it is borne on taffy tides. A galaxy of glucose, as it were, with continents of chocolate.

Easy enough to imagine. But now suppose for a moment that you consider the inverse. For there is out there, somewhere in the infinite expanse of reality, a being for whom our simple Earth *is* that candy world, For their bizarre and alien digestive system, everything we are, from the air down to the lithosphere and all parts in between, is a delectable sweet that tantalizes their every taste bud (or equivalent structure).

To us, such a monstrous being would be terrifying indeed, especially if they arrived and began to gorge themselves and were of a scale that made their feasting known. But would it not be the same for us if we approached the candy planet, mouth awater and bib securely tied?

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“I’ve heard of such a place as this,” Codswallop said. “It is an oasis from which the sands of hourglasses are gathered.”

“Won’t just any old sand do?” said Rags.

“No, it must be sand of exceeding fineness, so that it tumbles properly. It must also be finely attuned to the passage of time itself, which may explain some of the…chronological anomalies…we have been seeing.”

“What else do you know about this, er, hourglass oasis?” Rags asked.

Codswallop tapped his cane thoughtfully on the stone. “My mentor once told me that the sand is harvested almost exclusively by old men and young lads—the old men that they might feel younger, the young lads that they might feel older. Perhaps, in this, you and I are in the perfect position to cross the anomaly safely.”

“But what about an old man feeling older and a young, uh, lad feeling younger?” asked Rags. “Feeling is one thing, but if these are the sands of time or whatever, couldn’t that kill someone old or make someone so young they get un-born?”

“I suppose we’ll find out,” Codswallop said. “For we need that water to survive, and I don’t like our chances in the desert stumbling across another oasis.”

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Pota worried that there would be no place for his family to live, for the available land was small and quite crowded. But he lacked the ability to move anywhere else, as his wife’s knitting was the family’s sole support. Desperate to contribute despite his infirmity, Pota began to pray to the earth, day and night, to provide for his family. In this way he hoped to repay his wife’s hard work and his own room and board with divine favor.

One night, he received an earthquake as if in response to his latest round of prayers. He soon noticed a column of steam rising from the nearby ocean, and within a few days a volcano had capped the waves, knitting new land out of lava floes just as Pota’s wife knit new clothes from fibers. He set out the very next day, and was the first person to step upon the land—it being uninhabited, this made it automatically his fief and he its chieftain.

Though it took the volcano many years to attain its full size, and many more for it to begin abounding with rich island life, Pota never forgot his claim, nor did his descendants and heirs. In time, they took possession of the island as their own, and raised a thousand generations of successors.

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From the same government think tank that brought you Precrime, it is our distinct privilege to introduce Prepost! This simple system promises to revolutionize postal logistics, allowing packages to arrive before they are even ordered!

The process is simple. Our precognition experts, whose exact nature, physical state, and location are not for you to know, will reach out into the aether with their minds and every time they find evidence of a future order in your name, it will automatically be placed in the here and now. Your account will be charged, and the item will arrive before you even knew you needed it!

Now, some folks may call this an overreach—after all, the future is always in motion, and who are we to say that a future order will be placed? Setting aside that our proprietary methods, which certainly do not include psychics and sensory depravation tanks, we have two mechanisms which will make the system of Prepost universally appealing. First, full refunds if we deliver by mistake, since the system is not optional and everyone is enrolled by default with no ability to opt out. Second, and the part that will really fry your noodle if you let it: many of the orders our Prepostal Masters see are, in fact, placed by them, creating a causal time loop from which there is no escape. Fighting future progress will only make it stronger.

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“Some of these names have to be made up. Derpmire? Newtownsville? Come on.”

“What’s so made up about them? Derpmire was founded on a drained swamp by Georg Derpmann, who immigrated from Schloß Derberg over two hundred years ago. It’s not his fault that his name is funny now.”

“And Newtownsville?”

“Look over here. Townsville township. Used to be a bigger city, but most of the people left to found Newtownsville after the flood of 1887.”

“Why call it Townsville though?”

“Because it was founded by Reverend J. J. Towns, that’s why!”

“Hm. Okay. What about this over here, then.”

“Ass Butte? Now that one I’m not sure about.”

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Model: L-22 “Cygnet” Liaison Cruiser
Manufacturer: Lysander Astronautics
Length: 50m
Beam: 30m
Crew Complement: 10 (L-22A VIP transport), 20 (L-22B command cruiser), 3 (L22-C transport)
Propulsion: 1x Rabal Class IV hyperdrive, 2x Serova heavy impulse engines, 12x Prak und Daim light vector thrusters
Protection: 1x Mark IX anti-ordinance shield, 1x Pulowski emergency backup defensive screen
Defensive Systems: ALF-186 electronic countermeasure pod, MGS-96 decoy flares (180x), HRO-90 acoustic decoys (x6), EM-85 multi-band scramblers (x3)
Armament: None

Lysander Astronautics produced the C-21 and C-21A “Osprey” light cruisers for the Star Confederation during the Incursion Wars, where they proved to be highly able craft which made up for their relative lack of shielding and armor with good maneuverability and the ability to care a relatively heavy armament of laser cannons, racked missiles, and even torpedoes.

After the Incursion Wars, large numbers of C-21A Ospreys were left over, and many were extensively modified for noncombat roles. The L-22 is the most common modification, performed by the factory, and involved removing all weapons and targeting systems, replacing them with usable space. The ships were instead equipped with countermeasures, flares, and decoys, as well as improved shields and emergency defensive screens, making them capable of surviving the moderate combat expected in pirate acts or internal disputes.

The L-22A replaces most of the weapon and targeting systems with crew cabins, a dining area and kitchen, and a reception area, enabling it to be used as a VIP transport, public relations ship, or press cruiser, equipped with a MOSEBY hospitality computer in place of the original COSINE combat unit. The Star Confederation often has several L-22s on standby at major fleet actions or public events, and their relatively luxurious quarters and the high quality of food aboard have made them coveted posting. Fleet members often joke about the Lux-22, a ship which will keep you in luxury as long as you’re not interested in seeing any actual combat. The L-22B adds additional communication equipment, while the L-22C ha only one cabin and the remainder of the ship is given over to cargo space.

While the Star Confederation was interested in the possibility of converting L-22 models into C-21s should the possibility arise, in practice this would be very difficult. While weapons hardpoints still exist, the necessary targeting computers and equipment are not present, and the L-22’s reactor is not designed for the extra power draw. In theory, weapons use would be possible if power were removed from other systems on a manual basis, but this is rarely tried in practice.

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Dymaxion Interstellar Systems saw explosive growth after their Combat Operating System, Interdiction/Eradication was adopted as the standard shipboard operating system and artificial intelligence for Star Confederation vessels. Naturally, the different constituent parties all used their own version, but all were based on the same kernel and were interoperable, greatly streamlining the complex logistics of Confederation defense.

Then they tried to corner the civilian market as well.

The result was Management Operating System, Entertainment Boat/Yacht, designed for high-end pleasure cruisers and other such vessels. DIS hoped that their adoption across Star Confederation hospitality ships would result in have a halo effect and allow them to oust longtime rival Galaxy Hyperdyne Systems with their Boat Operating System. To smooth the transition, over ten million modifications were made to the COSINE codebase, and the brusque military personality was replaced with what DIS imagined was a hospitable butler.

The resulting system was snobbish, overly prissy, obsessed with minor details, and generally regarded as a terrible boss and worse employee. If not for a strong preorder from the Star Confederation Hospitality Corps, DIS would have bankrupted itself on the venture. As it was, only ships that were locked into Confederation contracts used MOSEBY, though pirated versions did gain some popularity in less-legal fields once it became apparent that military grade code had simply been dummied out.

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The current Vatna Hegemony government is the 997th Vatna Republic, and it succeeded the 716th Vatna Empire with the Coup of the Bloody Sickles, in which Emperor Rvy was assassinated and the overall government reformed. The rate of coups, counter-coups, and counter-counter coups has slowed somewhat since the Vatna joined the Star Confederation, with this being only the 27th in the nearly 300 years of their membership. The Vatna Hegemony is therefore nominally headed by a Prime Minister, but the true power rests with individual warlords who hold major navy commands and major ministerial positions. These warlords, typically of the gyu’Vatna caste, act essentially independently unless called upon in a time of crisis.

While the caste of a Vatna it not technically hereditary–in theory, a Vatna changes caste to whatever their primary occupation is–in principle the warrior gyu’Vatna have become a gentry or aristocracy of sorts, holding most major fleet commands and captaining most battlecruisers. Other castes, such as the artisan qux’Vatna or the farmer swz’Vatna, do hold some power within this largely informal structure, but the gyu’Vatna dominate it.

The Hegemony directs much of its energy inward, with squabbling warlords engaging in ephemeral BloodWars with one another over minor points of contention, with Vatna shipyards and construction enterprises engaged to keep them supplied and equipped. The former Many As One of the Fulvan Hive once noted that the Vatna create their own economy, with a constant supply of new construction, repairs, and medical recovery technology being needed. When the Vatna have united against an external foe, however–as they did during the Vzc Incursion–the effect has been devastating.

Warlords do not strictly rely on violent means, however. Team sports are common and intense, often pitting fleet command against fleet command. The Vatna are gluttons for reality programs and soap operas, with Vatna media being extremely popular throughout the Star Confederation due to its mix of sincerity and (usually nonlethal) bloodshed.

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The Fulvan are unique among many members of the Star Confederation in that they occupy two seats in the Confederation Council: the Fulvan Hive and the Reform Fulvan. This is hardly a voting bloc, though, as the two governments loathe each other and will often oppose the other purely on principle, in addition to having vastly different goals and aspirations on the global stage.

The Fulvan Hive is the older of the two, and represents a conservative continuation of Fulvan society. It is communitarian and anti-individualistic, with a strong emphasis on Fulvans’ responsibilities to the Hive and their performance of dedicated functions within it. The Fulvans do not have an actual hive mind per se, nor do they have any sort of innate ability to connect with each other like the networked 11001001 do, but the traditionalist Fulvan Hive nevertheless sees that as an ideal to be strived for, with total interdependence between individuals, their community, and the state as the goal. The Hive is a hierarchy, with the oldest females of each community selecting a representative by consensus to report to the next highest level, all the way up to the Council of the Many and its head, the Many As One. The current Many As One, Rexepme Uymgo, has held the position for over forty years.

The Reform Fulvan state is newer, having broken away from the Hive during a vicious civil war called the Schism. It is highly individualistic, materialistic, and capitalistic, almost to a fault. The Fulvans who broke off to found the Reform Fulvan movement–officially the Republic of Free Fulvans–saw the collectivist nature of the Hive as repressive, and therefore reacted against it in the strongest possible terms. Reform Fulvans democratically elect their government, but take a strictly laissez-faire approach to regulation and economics. There is no social safety net, no government regulation of most industries, and no checks and balances on the role of money and power in governance. The current Premier, Yrava Iynqvzve, has been in power for thirty years and is currently serving his 8th consecutive term.

A 11001001 analyst once said that the two groups are a fascinating study in extremes; the average Reform Fulvan is wealthier than the average Hiver, but the Hivers have virtually no extreme poverty and the poorest Reform Fulvans live in a destitution that is difficult to fathom. Both groups have grudgingly tolerated the other as members of the Star Confederation but officially consider themselves the sole government of their people. This means that Fulvans can, and do, defect from one to the other.

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