VIPOIG: The thing you have to understand is that my ancestors, the Picts, lived in Pictland long before the Scots did. Our presence there is attested from the late third century AD; it is our homeland and natural place of origin.

INTERVIEWER: And what about the Scots?

VIPOIG: The Scots are squatters, a mongrel mix of peoples who moved in after the Picts were evicted by the Vikings. They don’t have any true rights to Pictland, as their origins are elsewhere–in Norway and Denmark, in Ireland, in England. That’s where their kinsman are, and that’s where they should return.

INTERVIEWER: But they’ve been living in Scotland for 800 years, and some of them are probably descended from Picts who remained.

VIPOIG: First of all, I object to your use of the term ‘Scotland.’ That’s a loaded, political, term used by those with an anti-Pictish agenda. The correct name for the area is Pictland, and I’ll thank you to refer to it as such.

INTERVIEWER: The issue still stands.

VIPOIG: They’re of course welcome to stay if they assimilate, give up their backward and violent religion, and generally become civilized enough to coexist with the returning Picts. But sadly most Scots seem to be satisfied to choose the route of violence and barbarism.

INTERVIEWER: It’s been said, by Scots, that those who call themselves Picts are invaders seeking to colonize Scot-er, Pictland and to drive people off the land they’ve inhabited for centuries.

VIPOIG: Nonsense. Do people call it colonization when you chase rats out of a barn, regardless of how long they’ve lived there? We Picts can manage the land much more efficiently than the people that were there before, who were running it in an altogether backward and savage way.

INTERVIEWER: Isn’t that the very definition of colonialism?

VIPOIG: That’s a leading question and I refuse to engage with anything so anti-Pictish. If the Scots are so upset, they can leave.

INTERVIEWER: But if your Pictland does not consider them citizens, they’re stateless and by definition can’t migrate.

VIPOIG: They can also keep to themselves, in their own areas, with their own government. As long as they’re properly supervised, of course, to keep them out of trouble.

INTERVIEWER: Isn’t that the very definition of apartheid?

VIPOIG: This interview is over.

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