Let’s face it, we’ve all been there: a well-meaning relative, or even a liberal whom you are not allowed to kill in this so-called democracy, has offered you a salad. And for whatever reason, you can’t throw it back in their face and demand red meat like a true American should. What do you do?

We’ve all got our solutions. Hiding the salad, Cutting it into smaller pieces so it looks eaten. Smuggling leaves onto others’ plates or back into the basket.

But no more!

Thanks to the revolutionary new Pants for Salad™ system, those days are over! Now you can hide your salad in a special pouch that slips down the front of your pants and store it safely for later disposal. No mess, thanks to our patented leakproof lining, and no awkward laundering like competing products, because Pants for Salad™ is disposable!

Simply choose the size and capacity you need, install before any meal you think might involve salads or liberals, and voila! You’re good to go. And with the new Pants for Salad™ DX, even salads that are dripping with dressings or festooned with croutons can easily be secreted away. And don’t forget to try our new Pants for Meats™, a revolutionary complementary product that allows you to smuggle fine smoked meats into gatherings of vegetarians or Democrats without having to worry about them canceling you!

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